THE DEATH WATCH-NINE

I find that I empathize with the bull in the bullring. When the bull first enters the bullring he rules over all that he can see so he runs the entire length and breadth of his territory, the walled in round pen of the bullring. When the matador first enters his space, the bull charges with the authority that he believes he has over his domain since he has been bred to have the aggressive attitude that brought him there in the first place. After the matador shows off his bravery, using a very large cape, by allowing the bull to charge the cape and pass very closely to the matador’s body, the Picadors enter the ring to weaken the bull with spears from horseback. Their function is to destroy the bull’s muscles at the back of his neck so that he loses the ability to raise his head and, therefore, is unable to complete his normal aggressive thrust and head toss. At his point the bull’s territory has diminished to the space he feels he can cover in short bursts of speed. In reality, the space under his perceived control is now about half of what it was when he first entered the ring. To further add to the pageantry of the event, embarrass the bull and show off the matador’s bravery, the matador may elect to tag the bulls withers with colorful flags attached to spikes imbedded in the muscle. (Some matadors prefer to use others to imbed these little spears) The net result is more pain for the bull, which again reduces his controllable space, and a target for the matador’s sword at the moment of truth. The next stage of the event is when the matador takes a smaller red cape and a sword with double edge and a curved tip to prepare the bull for the kill. It is at this point that the space the bull is defending becomes very small and in order for the matador to get the bull to charge he must approach the bull and get within a step or two whereas in the earlier parts of the event the bull had sought out the matador anywhere within the walls of the bullring.

I can’t remember when was the last time I ate solid food. I certainly can’t remember what it was I ate. I only know that I miss eating whole food and that I still have a memory of what things tasted like, although that may also be fading fast. When I first started to have problems with my ability to swallow and was told there was nothing that could be done I resigned myself to a life of protein-boosted milkshakes, which included yogurt, banana or fruit cocktail additives. Good flavor but still not as good as solid food. Pureed soups were also on the menu and they certainly added spice to a bland world. Eating out was not a problem either since I limited myself to clear soups. Farina for breakfast was also a possibility. As we approached our planned trip in June I started drinking Ensure because it is a high protein over the counter drink that would be available anywhere we traveled. My situation took a nosedive when the restriction became so bad that I couldn’t even swallow my own saliva. The stomach tube became a must and I started on the dilation procedures with the GI doctor. A clear soup sounds awfully good to me right now. I was hoping that the dilation procedures would lead to again being able to eat solid food but as each procedure failed to even allow for soup my expectations were drastically reduced.

Now that I have the knowledge that the restriction is in fact a cancerous growth I am getting ready for the radiation today as a means of at least stopping the constant spitting due to the restriction. Soup is already looking like a far off dream and just as the bull’s territory was diminishing due to forces beyond his control, my wish to eat solid food again has vanished from my horizons.

I had my first radiation treatment this afternoon and I will have a treatment everyday for the next three days and then again on Monday for the last of the five treatments. I have no hope of regaining my ability to swallow whole food but I would be grateful if I could at least swallow my own saliva. My expectations are getting reduced the closer I get to the moment of truth.