THE DEATH WATCH-ELEVEN

VISTAS!!! It seems like I have been viewing the world around me as memorable vistas as if I can capture the moment like an image from a digital camera. Upon reflection I guess it all started when I first heard the word cancer associated with my body and me. At first it was a very conscious effort to remember what was in my line of sight as if it was going to be my last. Since then it has become a subconscious thing and it only came to mind this evening. As things are happening to my body I am being made very aware that I can’t take anything for granted. My need to spit seems to have abated since the radiation treatment started and I expect that these next two days of no treatment will show further improvement. On the other hand the cancer is progressing throughout the rest of my body so that I really feel a greater need to use the painkillers. I’m glad to say that my brain seems unaffected and although I am conscious of a shorter fuse to my temper I am still in touch with reality. I have not lost my sense of humor but I also feel close to the edge when it comes to minor irritations. I don’t yet know how these items will balance out but so far I’m trying to maintain an “I don’t care” attitude, which should keep me from petty conflicts. Another thing, which I don’t look forward to, is becoming dependent on others for things I know I should be able to do myself. It’s hard for me not to react negatively when asked if I need help with something.


SATURDAY-27 OCTOBER 2007


It’s 5:30AM and there seems to be a definite improvement in my esophageal constriction. The quality of my spit has been changed to almost exclusively phlegm and the quantity has been reduced so that I am not spitting as often. Again, I am in high hopes that by the end of the weekend my entire swallowing problem will become manageable.

It being Saturday I must prepare myself for visitors and I will also try to start the day on painkillers. I had nothing planned of an independent nature today so I will allow myself to be catered to and try to maintain a relatively kind disposition. This may be a real test today!


SUNDAY-28 OCTOBER 2007


It’s 4:10AM and it is my bladder that is responsible for my wake-up call again. I went to sleep last night after the Red Sox victory in game three of the 2007 World Series, on the Vicadin painkiller and the Advil sleeping pill. I slept very soundly from midnight to four. I anticipate that I will catch some more sleep after I void my bladder.

Yesterday went very well with having taken painkillers starting early in the day, through the day and in the evening. I was able to get around during the day without limitations due to pain and I drove to the stables and home with no ill affects. I had no signs of fatigue nor did I feel the loss of control throughout the day. Admittedly, in the evening near the end of the game, I did start to dose easily. I will be on my own today so I plan to take the painkillers on a regular basis until approximately 3:00PM when I have to drive to the stable again.