THE DEATH WATCH-LAST

Random Thoughts

This is going to be the last entry for the Blog. I will be writing in it in bits and pieces since I don’t have an exact date but in case I should die suddenly in my sleep, I will have written down some last thoughts. I will leave instructions that this document not be made public until I am dead. Since I am trying to give an honest account of my last days and I don’t have an exact date this is the only thing I could think of.

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Michael died quietly today at about 6:30pm, surrounded by his three children, Jessica, Zachary and Caleb, his loving wife, Sue, and his "favorite son-in-law" Chris. He evidently didn't get around to having any random thoughts between the time he decided to jot them down and the time he died today. Thanks to all of you for reading the blog, and for your comments, which meant the world to him.

- Michael's daughter Jessica

THE DEATH WATCH-THIRTY-EIGHT

Random Thoughts

12/17/2007 1:33 AM

I spent the last few days in the most horrible conditions I could ever imagine. I had to go to the bathroom and couldn’t go because I was afraid of hurting myself. By the time I went to the bathroom I had already crapped in my pants. I then had to void myself with the catheter which required standing up and standing there on groggy legs. When I made it back to my sitting position I was overjoyed, but all I had to look forward to was more of the same. Why? I dreamt that all these separate parts rebelled and did their own things and didn’t perform what they would normally do. It seemed to work in my dream. I don’t want my joints to hurt so I can stand up and go to the bathroom, And when I stand up I don’t want to feel groggy so I’m afraid of losing my footing. If I can stand, then I ought to be able to pee.
The longer I sit here and just think about not doing anything the longer it’s going to be before I get a chance to pee. I’ve been procrastinating for an hour so I think it’s time to move.

12/18/2007 5:07 PM

I just had a blood transfusion which is supposed to make me feel better because it takes care of my lack of iron. So far, I just feel well enough to write this. I really feel awful. I fear getting up on my own and I am always scared of hurting myself. I really don’t know how long I’ll be able to live this way. It’s hard for me to stay awake and even read the newspaper. I’ve lost interest in writing for the blog and I’m only writing this to let you know how miserable I am. I might feel better tomorrow because of the transfusion. These random thoughts might become shorter but I will try to keep them current. I don’t see the doctor again until after Christmas.

THE DEATH WATCH-THIRTY-SEVEN

Random Thoughts

12/13/2007 3:29 PM

It finally happened. I never saw it coming but I fell down. I had just stood up to fill my feeding bag with water after my food ran out this morning, and the next thing I knew I was on the floor with water all over me. I had not passed out so I quickly covered the bag that was partially filled with water and then tried to recover as much of the water that was left in the bottle. I made it to my feet and then my chair without any damage to either myself or the furniture. There was stuff scattered all over the room but no great damage to the room. I did learn my lesson that when they said I would be groggy, I now know what “groggy” means. I will be more careful in the future.

12/14/2007 2:42 AM

I guess I just changed the whole dynamic of my existence by making my life that extra careful which now represents the slowing down of my existence. Sue immediately rearranged the furniture and said that when I go to feed I will get a water bottle separately hung so I won’t have to make any changes during feeding. She said she will fix up the downstairs bathroom so I can shower here instead of going up to the second floor for my shower. Who am I to argue with her after my falling down? I got my patch changed last night and took two sleeping pills when I went to bed at 9:30PM. I just woke up and although it is early, I do feel well rested. I have an easy day to look forward to so at least I won’t be trying to break anything.

12/14/2007 3:59 PM

All’s quite since I’m afraid to move out of my chair and it takes me all day to read the paper. This new patch keeps me sleepy. I’ll see if I can find an Oregon Sunset to add to this write-up. Letha is going away for the week-end at Melissa’s and tomorrow Sue and I are driving down to see Zachary. It’ll be nice to get out for a change.

12/15/2007 1:20 AM

Since I was afraid of getting hurt last night while I was home alone, I decided to get to sleep early. I voided myself while Melissa was here and immediately after she left I turned out all the lights and tried to sleep. I just woke up about ten minutes ago. I voided myself and I’m going to try to get back to sleep.

12/15/2007 1:42 PM

It turned out to be a miserable night. Since I was home alone I was afraid of getting myself hurt by falling down when moving from place to place. I didn’t move very much, in fact, not at all. I was not in pain but I also couldn’t sleep so I was in and out of sleep in fits and starts. By the time Sue got home at 8AM I had to go to the bathroom really bad. She also gave me some extra pain medication and the sleeping pills I hadn’t taken the night before. I finally got to sleep. She is still asleep so we plan to call Zachary as soon as she wakes up.

THE DEATH WATCH-THIRTY-SIX

Random Thoughts

12/10/2007 5:16 PM

Today, Monday, I had a 10:15AM appointment for taking more blood for the Clinical Trial and an interview with the nurse practitioner. They took 16 vials of blood. I was going to discuss my sleeping problems and my pain management with the nurse practitioner and she suggested that I try a narcotic patch which stays in place for 72 hours. In that time period the pain medication is released slowly and is supposed to level off my pain to a manageable level. I can still take the pain meds I am taking now to supplement the patch. Sue put the patch on as soon as I got home and she got the prescription filled. The nurse practitioner also suggested I double up on the sleeping pill I’m taking at bedtime. I have to be very careful because one of the side effects of the patch is dizziness. I sure got a lot of attention while I was there because I told them I was hurting since I drove myself and didn’t want to drive while under the influence of the pain meds. There was the nurse practitioner, Laura, the test coordinator, Katie, the nurse, Kathryn and the trial doctor. Since I had also told them about my fatigue they said it was probably due to a few factors. The cancer is a contributing cause and this trial medication is also a contributor plus the fact that I am slightly anemic. Since I am not taking chemotherapy they cannot offer me a booster shot for the anemia BUT they can offer me a blood transfusion. I will give that some thought. The transfusion will require about two hours to completion. I don’t think I will try to drive myself to the hospital any more. This whole experience today just took too much out of me.

12/11/2007 4:49 AM

How exciting! I just woke up after a really good night’s sleep. I went to bed last night at 11:30PM after taking the pain meds and two sleeping pills. This is the best sleep I’ve had in a very long time. I got up to go to the bathroom on very shaky legs and gave myself the pain meds but I felt too shaky to get my breakfast. I feel OK sitting up but standing is an adventure. We’ll see what happens next.

12/11/2007 5:31 PM

I have had a really drowsy day. I can’t seem to keep my eyes open for very long. This new patch has kicked in and it certainly makes me feel comfortable and pain free. Tomorrow I will try to drive Letha to the bus and pick her up from the bus as well as drive her to her sewing class. It’s too cold to sit in the car for sewing class so I just hope I don’t sleep through her pick-up times. I will use the same routine tonight for getting to sleep and I can then look forward to a good night’s sleep.

12/12/2007 5:24 AM

I was actually up at 5:00AM, planning my strategy and getting ready to start the day. I am having my breakfast now. The night was AOK so I feel very well rested. The house heater just kicked on so I’m starting to get warm. I hear stirring in the house so others are up too. I will be ready to start the day when my food runs out.

12/12/2007 10:05 AM

I have been in and out of sleep all morning. I barely got through page one of the paper. I took Letha to the bus at 7:15AM and I got back to my chair but it took me about an hour to get up and give myself the water bottle. This new patch has really changed my lifestyle. I wonder what’s going to happen this afternoon when I have to take her to sewing class and then to dinner. It feels like I can sleep all day. My mind is definitely affected since I have to talk myself into doing anything. I’m going to try to read the paper now and then maybe read some of my book. I don’t have any concerns about the pain so I guess it must be working. In general I would say I’m feeling pretty good.

12/12/2007 7:25 PM

I made it to the bus to pick her up and I dropped her off at sewing class as well as picked her up again. I made a dinner for her and made my own dinner set-up. I got plugged in for dinner as soon as I voided myself and then promptly fell asleep until the dinner ran out. I’m just sitting here now getting myself ready to take on the water.

12/13/2007 8:55 AM

I’m going to try to explain yesterday afternoon even though I’m not sure I understand it myself. Sue came home just before eight and she was surprised I wasn’t watching TV. I never did turn on the TV all night. I had the laptop in my lap, open, and ready to write more for the blog. The next thing I remember was it was about 9:30PM, the lap top was still on an on my lap and I had been fast asleep. The cat was in the laundry basket and I had run out of water. Sue put the water in my feeding bag and I promptly went back to sleep. I woke up at 10:25PM and decided to make preparations to get to bed. 12/12/2007 10:40PM I was still trying to figure out what to do next since I had a headache. I found some Tylenol and took them along with the sleeping pills and the pain meds. It was a sequence that seemed like it took place in a dream.
I woke this morning with big plans for the day but it seemed I was unable to carry even the slightest chore because I was so fatigued. I hope a restful day will do me some good.

THE DEATH WATCH-THIRTY-FIVE

Random Thoughts

12/5/2007 10:59 PM

It’s been an up and down two days. Yesterday I thought I was having some heart pain in the early evening, which turned out to be just a slightly rapid heartbeat. Tonight, at about the same time as yesterday, early evening, I felt very hot and my stomach was doing flips. It turned out to be the last throes of a diarrhea attack. I was just afraid that I would not be able to control it. Overall I have felt fatigued the past two days and this might be due to taking my pain meds every four hours. I tend to sleep easily while sitting in my chair. Since I haven’t needed to drive anywhere I’m keeping up with my pain meds and I certainly feel better in my legs and my arms. My jaw, however, doesn’t seem to be as receptive to the medication. The constant spitting is getting to be a real ordeal and even when I’m able to go for long stretches without the need to spit, it goes on all day. The quality of the spit varies from mostly liquid to real throat generated phlegm. When I get ready to sleep I don’t seem to have any problem having to spit often, unless I recline too steeply in my chair. I’m afraid to try to sleep in the bed because I would be disturbing Sue. I might try it on some night when she is working. My wake-up call is always the bladder alarm which occurs between 3:30AM and 4:00AM. It wouldn’t be too bad if I could go back to sleep after I void myself but the pain starts kicking in at that time too. I try to plan my early mornings around the 6:30AM time slot for my shower so if I take the pain meds at 5:00AM I can take them again at 9:00AM, 1:00PM, 5:00PM, 9:00PM and at bedtime, around midnight. I sometimes pass up the 5:00PM and take the pain meds at 8:00PM instead. When I have a hospital appointment, and don’t have to fast, I try to get my feeding done before Letha has to catch the bus. That means I start to feed myself around 5:00AM.


12/6/2007 10:33 PM

One thing I forgot to mention is that I feel cold all the time. If I get the room comfortable for myself, others in the room are burning up. I guess I overlooked the fact that with weight loss and the level of pain I am now experiencing, I also am having a problem maintaining my body temperature. Today was a very quiet day which I spent alone with the house temperature at a comfortable level. The actual temperature was such that I would have felt very hot under normal circumstances.


12/7/2007 3:23 AM

I had a problem getting to sleep last night so I may be taking a lot of naps today. I can’t put my finger on anything in particular but the amount of sleep I’ve been getting lately is less and less. I feel sleepy during the day but I don’t feel tired, if that makes sense. I’m trying to keep a record of every small detail of my life to see how this new medication has affected me. So far I haven’t seen any gross changes.


12/8/2007 2:18 AM

With all the little naps I seem to take during the day, I find myself wide awake at 2:00AM. I guess that after a little while, I will feel sleepy again and get back to sleep. This spitting business is starting to interfere with my sleep and I suppose that is a new development for me. I used to be able to sleep without a spitting problem, but know I seem to have to need to spit more often and even in the middle of the night. I’m also not too sure about this sleeping pill that I’m taking so I’ll ask the doctors about a possibly new pill. If I don’t feel better after this week-end, I will also ask about a stronger pain medication. The pain in my jaw does not seem to be affected by the pain meds that seem to work very well on the leg and arm joints. Having visitors and trying to talk a lot is very tiring and makes my spitting problem worse.


12/9/2007 3:54 AM

Some days I feel so weak that I have to talk myself into moving from one position to the next. Yesterday, Saturday, was one of those days. I was never able to catch up with my sleep from the night before and I felt very weak all day. I ate my three cans in the morning plus the required amount of water but I kept fading in and out of sleep all day but still felt tired. When I knew I had to get up to go to the bathroom I just sat there telling myself to get up but not moving. It was a very strange day. I feel better now but I still couldn’t sleep past 3:00AM. I forced myself to keep trying to sleep some more for the past hour. I will try again in a little while because it is too early to get up yet.


12/10/2007 5:49 AM

It was a rough night last night. I tried to go to bed early last night, 8:30PM, with disastrous results. I was wide awake at 2:00AM and I had to void my bladder, take some pain meds and another sleeping pill. I finally woke this morning at 5:30AM but not feeling well rested. I think it was a bad idea to try to go to bed early. I have to try to get a better sleeping pill.

Ownership vs. Stewardship

I have been curious about the origins of these concepts for a long time but I never took the time to look into it but since this question came up again recently during the writing for my Blog, I thought that this was a good time to find an answer. My sole concern was with land and the question I had was, “Where did the concept of land ownership derive?” Specifically I always thought it was very funny that the European “White Men” wanted to buy land from the “Primitive Red Men” when they came to the “New World”. The American Indian had no concept of land ownership since they lived off the land and moved on as the seasons changed or their food source moved.

In the little reading I’ve done just recently it turns out that there is a biblical perspective to the question of ownership of material things, not just land. According to the following quote, we only “own” what God permits us to have. Society does not seem to have this same view so I wonder is it a form of Heresy to claim ownership? I am also faced with the dilemma of a non-believer owning anything.

“Ownership vs. Stewardship
One of the fundamental concepts to grasp in the area of personal finance from a biblical perspective is the question of true ownership of material things. Do we actually “own” whatever wealth that we accumulate during our lifetime, or are we more like “managers” of the resources that God permits us to have? Society tells us that whatever we purchase belongs to us, but the Bible tells us a very different story. Psalm 24:1 clearly states, “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it” (NIV). The Bible even explains who the source of our wealth really is. In 1 Chronicles 29:11-12 the Bible says, “Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things” (NIV). Knowing that God is the true owner of all things relieves us from the responsibilities of ownership, and places us in the position of manager (or steward) of whatever resources God has entrusted us with. When we view our material possessions from this biblical perspective, we begin to realize that how we handle our wealth here on earth will have eternal significance on the day when we meet our Lord face-to-face.”

Another quote that I found takes a slightly different approach.

Stewardship vs. Ownership. . . “my” district, “my” church, “my” department, even “my” ministry. Private ownership is something we are enculturated into from childhood in our society, not a matter of semantics. We probably need a deliverance service to deal with this epidemic!
Stewardship in leadership implies recognizing accountability, responsibility, and investing wisely of all resources on behalf of the One we serve to whom it all belongs. Entitlement and territorialism are incongruous with biblical stewardship.

I was unable to find any reference to ownership vs. stewardship exclusively for land so I am also including the write-up by Ted Schroder of a C.S. Lewis book, “The Screwtape Letters”. Although the subject of this book goes beyond what I had sought I thought it was interesting enough to share. (It is a bit lengthy) I have yet to find any reference that describes how we came to the modern concept of ownership.

OWNERSHIP VERSUS STEWARDSHIP
Ted Schroder
October 24, 2004

C. S. Lewis, in The Screwtape Letters, has the senior devil advise his
Subordinate to influence his subject. "Let him have the feeling that he
starts each day as the lawful possessor of twenty-four hours. Let him
feel as a generous donation that portion which he allows to religious
duties. But what he must never be permitted to doubt is that the total
from which these deductions have been made was, in some mysterious
sense, his own personal birthright."

"You have here a delicate task. The assumption which you want him to go
on making is so absurd that, if once it is questioned, even we cannot
find a shred of argument in its defense. The man can neither make, nor
retain, one moment of time; it all comes to him by pure gift. He is
also, in theory, committed to total service of the Enemy [God]; and if
the Enemy [God] appeared to him in bodily form and demanded that total
service for even one day, he would not refuse. ... The sense of
ownership in general is always to be encouraged. The humans are always
putting up claims to ownership which sound equally funny in Heaven and
in Hell and we must keep them doing so. Much of the modern resistance
to chastity comes from men's belief that they 'own' their bodies... It
is as if a royal child whom his father has placed, for love's sake, in
titular command of some great province, under the real rule of wise
counselors, should come to fancy he really owns the cities, the
forests, and the corn, in the same ways as he owns the blocks on the
nursery floor."

"We produce this sense of ownership not only by pride but by confusion.
We teach them not to notice the different sense of the possessive
pronoun - the finely graded differences that run from 'my boots' through
'my dog,' 'my servant,' 'my wife,' 'my father,' 'my master,' and 'my
country,' to 'my God.' They can be taught to reduce all these senses to
that of 'my boots,' the 'my' of ownership. ... We have taught men to say
'my God' in a sense not really very different from 'my boots,' meaning
'The God on whom I have a claim for my distinguished services.'"

"And all the time the joke is that the word 'mine' in its fully
possessive sense cannot be uttered by a human being about anything....
They will find out in the end, never fear, to whom their time, their
souls, and their bodies really belong - certainly not to them, whatever
happens." (101-104) St. Peter writes: "Each one should use whatever gift
he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in
its various forms." (1 Peter 4:10) St. James writes: "Every good and
perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly
lights." (James 1:17)

THE DEATH WATCH-THIRTY-FOUR

When I was working for an engineering firm in Corvallis I shared an office with a born-again Christian. Over the span of that year and a half we both learned a lot from each other and became really good friends. We had kids of about the same age and his first complaint was that the public school system didn’t teach enough about Christianity. (His words were that the system was too secular) It was from him that I first learned of the organization of non-conformists and the non-conformists manifesto. I pointed out to him that by definition a non-conformist was one who didn’t want to conform with anyone. I, therefore, found it difficult to believe that non-conformists would want to get together with other non-conformists. The “manifesto” was also an item I questioned on the same basis and he never was able to produce it so that I could read it for myself. He had heard about it from a pastor at his church.

The Atheist Alliance Inc. (AAI) is a democratic association of independent, autonomous atheist societies. Applications for Alliance membership from independent local, regional or international atheist clubs, groups, societies, organizations, and associations are always welcome. AAI welcomes individual members. In addition, individual atheists who do not have an already established atheist organization in their area may receive a free membership with Atheist Internet Outreach; Established as a member organization of the AAI, our Outreach Program is designed to assist isolated and/or disaffected atheists with freethought issues of the day... Atheist Alliance International is registered in the United States as a 501(c)3 nonprofit, educational organization. Donations to AAI are tax deductible for U.S. taxpayers.

I ran across this organization of Atheists, the Atheists Alliance Inc. and this organization does have a “manifesto”, so maybe he wasn’t that far from the truth. It’s easy for me to make the leap from non-conformist to Atheist, although others may not agree.

I find this extremely humorous because it goes back to my question of the need to have a building, a person and others in order to communicate with the unknown. Why would a group of people that don’t believe in God want to get together? Is this a case of circling the wagons and defending oneself against an enemy? Is it some sort of group therapy to bolster one’s insecurities? “Are you really sure that you don’t believe?”

Now that I’ve bored you with why I am an Atheist and how I view the world of the non-believer, here are some definitions I did find on the “web”.

Atheism is not a religion in the sense that Christianity, Islam, and, Judaism are. Atheism is not generally perceived as offering a complete guideline for living as do most religions.
Atheism is confined to one factor: the existence or non-existence of a deity. Atheism can involve the positive assertion that there is no deity.

Each atheist has a personal moral code. However, it is generally derived from secular considerations, and not from any "revealed" religious text.

In one way, most people in North America are Atheists. Christians will generally deny the existence of the Mayan, Hindu, Ancient Roman, Ancient Greek, Ancient Egyptian, Ancient Sumerian, Sikh, and many hundreds of other Gods and Goddesses, even as they assert their belief in the Christian Trinity. Thus, the difference between a typical Christian and a typical Atheist is numerically small: The strong Atheist believes that none of the many thousands of Gods and Goddesses exist; the Christian believes that one God exists in a certain structure -- a Trinity -- whereas all of the other thousands of deities are nonexistent, artificial creations by humans. Although the numerical difference is much less that 0.1%, the philosophical difference is immense.

There exists massive discrimination against Atheists in the U.S.

Part of this may be based on the historical linkage between Communism and Atheism. Most Communists are Atheists. But many people do not realize that most Atheists in North America are not Communists.
Another reason for this discrimination is the common belief that a person cannot be motivated to lead a moral life unless they hope for the reward of heaven, and fear the punishment of Hell. In the past, this belief had been codified into law. Conscientious objectors opposed to participating in warfare were thrown in jail if their opposition to killing was not based on belief in God.
Still another cause of discrimination is a widespread linkage between theism -- the belief in the existence of God -- American citizenship, and Christianity.