21 Nov Party Time

Monday, Monday

I’ve been working out now everyday that L goes to school and I feel a lot better for it. I started off at five minutes on the treadmill and after two weeks I’m up to 20 minutes and I have no effects or pain in my butt.

I enjoy watching the geriatric crowd and listening to the oldsters conversations. Today an octogenarian was asked if he listens to Hard Rock or Heavy Metal on his Ipod. He answered that he listens to 24 hour news on MSNBC radio. What a downer. Unless Jon Stewart gets on the radio with The Daily Show, I wouldn’t listen to the news.

One man at the gym thinks I look like Fidel so he’s always asking me if I ever wear camouflage. I have a free session with a Personal Trainer as part of my membership but I’m not sure I look forward to that. The Personal Trainers I’ve seen so far seem like sadists.

Tomorrow I am going to help in the second grade for a Thanksgiving Party and L has decided to lay out my clothes for the big day. I may even take pictures.

TWO LOST DAYS

I guess I had a bit of a relapse and lost two days when I didn't feel like turning on the computer. It started Tuesday Morning for some reason that I couldn't define and lasted till Wednesday Evening. I'm better now but these unexplained relapses are getting disturbing. I'm abivalent now about tomorrow but I always look forward to Thanksgiving. I feel fortunate that there is no tragic event in my life that occured at or near a holiday so the when the holiday rolls around I don't have bad memories.

I hope this is the start of a good set of days and I will hopefully write more tomorrow.

Monday the Thirteenth

This past week-end with the “girls” (my Grand Daughters) was really great as I always enjoy their company. We played a rousing game of Monopoly and the two sisters got very cut-throat, as was expected. In “Monopoly according to my rules”, the properties are dealt out and then the trading begins. When I told Sue about the game in front of the little one, she volunteered that her cousins are on each other’s cases at home in such a way that even the dogs stop to get pop-corn just to watch.

The rainy weather was augmented last night by some high winds which really set our wind chimes in motion. This morning there was a bit of debris in the back yard but no trees were turned over.

Due to the inordinate amount of free time I seem to have I have been reading books by an author that I just discovered, Ed McBain. He’s only been writing books for 50 plus years and has only written 40 87th Precinct books in that time frame. I can’t believe that there was never a TV show based on his books. The Eight-Seven sounds like a cross between Hill Street Blues and NYPD Blue and I’ve rally enjoyed the dozen I’ve already read. Since I joined the Library I have an unlimited source for books but I may not be able to find all 40 that he wrote.

Friday the TENTH

Although my memories of 11/11 are of Armistace Day, celebrated at the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, I am now facing the Veterans Day celebrated on the Tenth because the Eleventh is a Saturday. Somewhere there is a conspiracy to make for three day weekends and the hell with the significence of the date. I think it's a retailers conspiracy so that there can be three day sales that last till Tuesday.

I have the distinct pleasure of having three grand daughters in my charge on a rainy, no school Friday and although a visit to the Veterans Memorial would be appropriate, I doubt that the idea will be greeted with a great deal of enthusiasm on this rainy day.

I have proudly made it through the week with my promise to keep this Blog active and I now look forward to Monday. I will have to do some prep work over the week-end.

This is becoming a good year for the under-dog; Oregon State beat USC and last night Rutgers beat Louisville. The Blazers even beat the Lakers. The Democrats won both houses and GW lied again and admitted it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEVEN

I've come to the conclusion that what I am going through are "belated mental growing pains, trying to understand the peculiar shape of my life".

I am looking for work but without enthusiasm. I am working out daily and this seems to be stabilizing my routine. I am sleeping better and I seem less edgy. My "not caring" has even translated to the political front and although I'm glad the Democrats won and that Rumsfeld quit(?), I'm not all that overjoyed. It might also be due to the fact that after Nixon I figured I could survive anything.

I won't really be glad until the body bags stop coming from Iraq.

So far, at least for this week, I'm keeping up with my exercise program and the Blog.

SIX

SIX

It seems to be harder and harder to get back to writing this piece so I will have to set-up a schedule and write daily, just the way I do in my journal that I started at the beginning of my Cancer. If I transfer this document to my BLOG I will have to assume that no one is reading it and that I will be like the tree that falls in the woods and there is no one around to hear it so, will I make any noise? Probably not!

As of the First of November I am planning to visit the Gym every day after I drop Letha off at school and then after the Gym I will schedule BLOG time. It will be interesting to see if I can follow through on a “forced” schedule.

FIVE

FIVE

I guess one other thing I’ve discovered is that I really don’t seem to care. About anything! I got good news from the latest tests and I am not all thrilled about it. I have this niggling feeling that I have to do something but I can’t seem to get started even doing anything, even writing this diatribe or my blog. I really have to pursue a scheduled type activity even if it’s for no money.

FOUR

FOUR

It’s taken me a month to get back to this so I guess there isn’t a lot of improvement. I still have nothing to do on a regular basis except the cross-word and the dishes. I am getting closer to doing some exercise because I am thinking about it more. I am slowly getting my big bills paid and I am sleeping a lot better. I may be ready for going without sleeping pills. I have an appointment Friday for my EUS and if the news is bad I may be feeling worse again. I have sent in some more applications for jobs and I am hoping for a part-time teaching job although if it is in the evening it will screw up our routine at home. Time to do the dishes.

THREE

THREE

It’s getting easier getting to the computer and writing this document. I have been sleeping better lately and my fatigue factor is definitely improving. This all adds up to having a better attitude. I am still trying to face the reality of not having any income and in addition finding something worthwhile to spend my time doing. I did spend some time yesterday checking out some possible part-time work but I’m not sure I am ready yet, health-wise. I seriously have to do some exercise and get my self moving.

TWO

TWO

I have learned a valuable lesson from this writing exercise and that is that when you feel depressed you don’t feel like doing anything. It has taken me a very long time to get back to this diatribe just to sit down and write some more. Every time I felt like writing I didn’t have the get-up-and-go to get it done. I guess I was smart not to date the first item because it’s been at least three weeks since I wrote it. I will probably read it now to see what else needs writing.

As an up-date, it’s good news that I’m writing because I am starting to feel better about myself. I still have no where to go on a regular basis but I am going to spend time on the computer more often and do job searches etc. I have an address list to compile and some items I ought to get together for my blog. If I can discipline myself to write to the blog I may find some purpose to my life. I got over the shingles in about two weeks and had the feeding tube removed today. My energy level is improving and I am going to start some sort of exercise activity. My back and legs feel better for walking since I lost a few pounds and I am maintaining about 220 pounds which is a drop from the 270 I was at a few months ago.

I’ve filed for un-employment and this means I have a once a week chore to do.
That’s all for #2, and I hope #3 won’t be far behind.

I'm Baaaaack, I hope!

I decided to share some of my inner thoughts with whomever might be out there . It is my own brand of therapy so here goes with the first installment;

ONE

I guess it’s about time that I set down my feelings into words. I never actually knew what depression was until recently. I am writing this rather haphazardly so it will read like a stream of consciousness but I really don’t want to spend the time to organize my thoughts. It will only discourage me to keep writing.

I first noticed something strange happening to me after the Radiation/Chemo stopped and I was surprised at how fast I went downhill, at least in my level of fatigue. I seemed to be totally unable to move to take a small step without a lot of mental preparation. All during my Radiation Therapy I had to be somewhere at a certain time every morning and I never had a problem getting there or functioning immediately thereafter. I left the Radiation lab and went to the office for a few hours and didn’t feel overly tired or unable to function. I was alert and able to perform my job and answer questions on the phone. I was feeding my self via the stomach tube so I kept pretty stationary in the afternoons. I went to bed without difficulty and slept well with the aid of a sleeping pill. I stopped taking any sort of pain medication pretty early on in the treatment. Tuesdays were my Chemo days which required my having a driver since the regimen included some sleep inducing meds. On those days I did not go to the office and dozed in the afternoon while connected to me feeding tube.

This all changed the day my routine stopped. I now think it had a lot to do with the fact I had no place to go in the morning. I could not function. I awoke after what I thought was a good night’s sleep but I felt fatigued and groggy. I attributed the grogginess to the sleeping pills so I stopped those and slept just as well but awoke less groggy. I still suffered from fatigue and a real lack of energy. It’s really hard to explain sitting and thinking about getting up and going into another room and having to take time to make body parts get started into motion.

It seemed like I was experiencing this feeling for a month after my treatment stopped and in the middle of all this I was also having to face the closure of the office and being out of work involuntarily for the first time in almost 50 years. The debts of my past with no income for the future caught up with me mentally as well and so now I am dealing with a case of Shingles, a stress related virus.

Another contributor to my depression is the bladder condition which doesn’t seem to be improving at a satisfactory rate for me and my Doctor is not very encouraging.

Well, so much for #1.