THE DEATH WATCH-THIRTY

My cousin again raises some interesting points in answer to my latest entry so I thought I would share this with you. This also may turn into a two parter because it now looks too long for one sitting.

Let me start with part of what he wrote.

What is this SOUL we keep talking about? In eulogies we often say that the deceased “will live with us forever” meaning that we are not going to forget him for a long time. Now let me tell you about this theory I have been entertaining for a long time, regarding the human soul. You are probably aware, Michael, that during your lifetime, you have known thousands of people, some of which became to be (as we say) “close to your heart”. Each of these people has left his mark on your consciousness. Some, very little, and some much more. Now, if you regard this consciousness of yours, you can say that it consists of a large amount of imprints, left by events you have been experiencing and of images and impressions of friends, relatives and others, some alive and others who have died.
Take your father, as an example: He, most certainly, keeps “living” in your consciousness. Physically he has been dead for a long time, but he, from time to time “comes to your mind”. According to this theory of mine, this image of your father is a part of his soul. His soul does exist, as well, in the consciousness of others (mine, for instance). So, what actually is this soul?

My first response was the following note I sent him via e-mail yesterday;

It is always a pleasure to hear from you, especially since you delve into such interesting subjects. This latest letter is going to require some research since I am not sure that I fully agree with the use of the word “soul”. I’m not sure that Shakespeare said “The show must go on” but I do believe that he said “A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet”. I agree that a piece of someone lives with you after they have died and I agree that there is a part of the person who has died within the ones who loved him or her, but I’m not sure that I would call it the “soul”.
Although I agree that I have known a lot of people in my life and some of them were closer to me than others, I can’t agree that what I remember of them is their “soul”. I have always felt, and I got this idea from my father, that when someone dies you ought to remember them as you knew them when they were alive and healthy, not sick and dying. I do remember and have thoughts about my father, especially if I find myself in a tight situation or a situation that requires tact and a good word, but I would have a hard time describing that as a soulful experience.
I will pursue this concept further after I do some research and give it some thought but, as I said, it is hard for me to identify this process as dealing with a “soul”.
After doing some “web research” I came up with the following items:
“The soul, according to many religious and philosophical traditions, is the self-aware essence unique to a particular living being. In these traditions the soul is thought to incorporate the inner essence of each living being, and to be the true basis for sapience. (Sapience, usually defined as wisdom since it is the ability of an organism or entity to act with judgment. Judgment is a mental facility that is a particular form of intelligence or may be considered an additional facility, above intelligence, with its own properties.) It is believed in many cultures and religions that the soul is the unification of one's sense of identity. Souls are usually considered to be immortal and to exist prior to incarnation.
The concept of the soul has strong links with notions of an afterlife, but opinions may vary wildly, even within a given religion, as to what may happen to the soul after the death of the body. Many within these religions and philosophies see the soul as immaterial, while others consider it to possibly have a material component, and some have even tried to establish the weight of the soul.”

This is a definition for “soul” that I found on-line and reinforces what I believe, that “soul” is tied to religion and the concept of an afterlife. Since I don’t believe in either I reject the use of the word in the way you have described it. In fact, there are some African peoples that won’t allow their pictures to be taken because they believe that by taking their picture you take something away from them. They may very well agree with your use of the word “soul”.
What you have described is what I would call memories. In addition, what you refer to as “consciousness”, I would prefer to think of as experiences. The concept of “conscious” also implies a thought process that is outside of the control of the individual.
I don’t agree that your theory is “metaphysical”. It is a religious belief that relies on the existence of a so-called “higher power”, and that takes away the individual’s ability to think for himself. It is this “consciousness” and “soul” that symbolize the faith upon which religion is based.

THE DEATH WATCH-TWENTY-NINE

It’s Midnight of the Wednesday of the week of my Clinical Trial. It is referred to as day three of the trial based on the schedule I got that goes through January 2008. This was a relatively easy day, compared to Monday, since I only had to wait and have vitals taken every fifteen minutes for two hours after the infusion. I started the day with blood being drawn at 9:15AM and I was out of there by 2:00PM and home at 2:43PM, just as the school bus passed my driveway. I really felt, on balance, that I had had an easy day. I sat down and watched a movie with my little girl and settled into my regular TV chair about the time she was headed for her bath at 8:00PM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 11:15PM. I guess I was a lot more tired than I thought. Friday, which is scheduled to be a long day, might really wear me out so I’ve arranged for my son to come to the Clinic and drive me home. I have decided that I’m not a very good judge of my own weariness at this time. Part of it is the tightrope act I’m doing trying to balance the amount of painkiller I’m taking when I plan to drive myself. The amount of pain I have to endure in order to be able to drive myself is a lot more tiresome than I imagined.

Since my little evening nap has made it impossible to get to sleep now I thought I’d delve into some other thoughts I’ve lately had on this whole Death and Dying question. As I already mentioned, I was a bit taken aback by people’s reaction to my thoughts about my own death. I guess my problem is, and has been, my inability to see their perspective on my dying. The bottom line is that my loved-ones are more affected by my dying than I am since they have to deal with whatever transpires in their lives when I’m not here.

I am almost finished with a book titled, “What Remains” by Carole Radziwill, which is an autobiographical account of the time she and her husband spent “fighting” cancer during the first five years of their marriage. It has certainly opened my eyes to the sorts of things my loved ones are going through and will have to go through in the near future. My only means of supporting them now is to maintain my attitude and face death with pragmatic reality. I don’t want to fall back into the position of “Why me?” or dwell on my death as the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I do face daily challenges in trying to overcome the pain that this disease is imposing on my body but on the other hand I try not to dwell on these as a handicap that others may need to deal with. Looking back on these past few weeks I see where I have made some mistakes in dealing with family and friends and I hope that I can rectify these errors in judgment before I end up antagonizing everyone around me. Rather than trying to get everyone to understand that I am not afraid to die I have to have more sympathy with what they are going through. The entire concept of “Death & Dying” is not about the one who’s dying but rather about those he leaves behind. The memorial services that are conducted after a person dies are meant to appease the living, whose lives were touched by the one who died. The French have an expression, “Chacun a son gout”, which translates into, “Each to his own taste” and I interpret that to mean that everyone has to approach the memorial in his own way. My own approach to the death of a loved one was to always try to remember that person at the time when one had fond memories of that person.

I don’t think I have exhausted this topic so I will let it rest for now, to be continued as I get brain waves and friendly feedback. I realize that I have just spent in excess of an hour on this topic and I am ready to attempt sleep again. I plan to pursue this topic further in my reading and I hope to make my passing a better experience for those near and dear to me,

The Cremation of Sam McGee

The Cremation of Sam McGee
by Robert W. Service


There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows.
Why he left his home in the South to roam ‘round the Pole, God only knows.
He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell;
Though he’d often say in his homely way that “he’d sooner live in hell.”

On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail.
Talk of your cold! through the parka’s fold it stabbed like a driven nail.
If our eyes we’d close, then the lashes froze till sometimes we couldn’t see;
It wasn’t much fun, but the only one to whimper was Sam McGee.

And that very night, as we lay packed tight in our robes beneath the snow,
And the dogs were fed, and the stars o’erhead were dancing heel and toe,
He turned to me, and “Cap,” says he, “I’ll cash in this trip, I guess;
And if I do, I’m asking that you won’t refuse my last request.”

Well, he seemed so low that I couldn’t say no; then he says with a sort of moan:
“It’s the cursed cold, and it’s got right hold till I’m chilled clean through to the bone.
Yet ‘taint being dead—it’s my awful dread of the icy grave that pains;
So I want you to swear that, foul or fair, you’ll cremate my last remains.”

A pal’s last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail;
And we started on at the streak of dawn; but God! he looked ghastly pale.
He crouched on the sleigh, and he raved all day of his home in Tennessee;
And before nightfall a corpse was all that was left of Sam McGee.

There wasn’t a breath in that land of death, and I hurried, horror-driven,
With a corpse half hid that I couldn’t get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: “You may tax your brawn and brains,
But you promised true, and it’s up to you to cremate those last remains.”

Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.
In the days to come, though my lips were dumb, in my heart how I cursed that load.
In the long, long night, by the lone firelight, while the huskies, round in a ring,
Howled out their woes to the homeless snows—O God! how I loathed the thing.

And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy and heavier grow;
And on I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low;
The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
And I’d often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.



Till I came to the marge of Lake Lebarge, and a derelict there lay;
It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called the “Alice May.”
And I looked at it, and I thought a bit, and I looked at my frozen chum;
Then “Here,” said I, with a sudden cry, “is my cre-ma-tor-eum.”

Some planks I tore from the cabin floor, and I lit the boiler fire;
Some coal I found that was lying around, and I heaped the fuel higher;
The flames just soared and the furnace roared—such a blaze you seldom see;
Then I burrowed a hole in the glowing coal, and I stuffed in Sam McGee.

Then I made a hike, for I didn’t like to hear him sizzle so;
And the heavens scowled, and the huskies howled, and the wind began to blow.
It was icy cold, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, and I don’t know why;
And the greasy smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.

I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear;
But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: “I’ll just take a peep inside.
I guess he’s cooked, and it’s time I looked;” . . . then the door I opened wide.



And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of the furnace roar;
And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: “Please close that door.
It’s fine in here, but I greatly fear you’ll let in the cold and storm—
Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennessee, it’s the first time I’ve been warm.”

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

THE DEATH WATCH-TWENTY-EIGHT

It’s Monday and I’m sitting in the Chemo Lab waiting for my test drugs to arrive. I thought I was prepared but I guess I should have brought some reading material since I can’t seem to connect to the internet from this office. The first thing they did was draw some blood and I was told that there would have to be a follow up in 24 hours after the infusion, which is a new wrinkle to my schedule. Katie gave me a shot of KLH, whatever that is, which is part of the study. Apparently the infusion takes about 90 minutes and then they watch me for an hour so I think I’ll be able to get home before the kid’s bus gets there at 2:45.today.
What I thought was going to be a long day has turned into a very very long day. They started the infusion at 11:45AM and it lasted an hour during which time they took my vitals every 15 minutes. What I didn’t know was that they had to take the vitals for five hours after the infusion. The last word is that I won’t be done until 6:45PM. It is now 1:45PM and I will call Sue at 2:00PM. She is supposed to work tonight and is sleeping now.
I have an IV just inside the bend of my right arm and the blood pressure cuff on my left arm so my arms are stiff and even if I had some reading material it would be difficult to turn pages.
I suggested to Sue that she could possibly report late and I would be home as soon as I could. She suggested that I could pick The Kid up at the hospital but to keep my cell phone on and she would call me. I finally realized that the strange music I was hearing was the ringtone on my new phone so I finally answered it and the plan now is that I come home as soon as I can. It’s now 4:00PM and I plugged myself in for dinner. I may not get to the water part until I get home.
I got my dinner and water done by the time the last blood was drawn at 6:45PM and I wobbled out of the building, and drove out of the parking garage, into a steady rain, at 7:00PM. By 5:00PM I was the only one left in what had been a very crowded room with Chemo patients and six nurses. I drove into our garage at 7:20PM so in reality Sue was exactly one hour late getting to work. I feel really badly about inconveniencing her in this way.
It has been a very very very long day.

I tried to get a better handle on the time schedule for the rest of the week and I came up with the following;
I need to be back at the clinic at 12:30PM Tuesday for the 24 hour follow-up blood draw.
On Wednesday I need to be in the office by 9:15AM and the day should only last about four hours.
On Friday, however, it looks like another long day so I was told to be there at 8:00AM so that they could start earlier and then I would stay until the five hour blood draw was taken. I hope to be better prepared for Friday.
My travel kit worked out very well but from now on I will substitute a book for the laptop which should make the back-pack lighter and a little more useful. If I hadn’t been able to void during the day nor been able to take some pain meds, I doubt that I could have driven home on my own.

THE DEATH WATCH-TWENTY-SEVEN

It’s Sunday so I thought I would take a rest from heavy ideas and just mellow out before my Clinical Trial Tests start on Monday. I’m attempting to take my pain meds every four hours, as prescribed, rather than wait until I feel the need and I think it is really working out much better. Since I’m not planning to go anywhere by driving the car myself I can follow this plan very easily. The one thing I have to do for Monday is pack up my “travel-kit” of items for an all day stay at the hospital. In the past I have found that they are not prepared with the proper items for me to void or eat or get pain meds. I will also be taking a laptop with me so that if there are any quiet periods I can keep up with my daily diary.
If nothing of any great importance takes place on a day-to-day activity I may not be writing in the Blog everyday. With the screenwriters strike on now and The Daily Show only showing re-runs, in respect for the strike, I find myself in a news void. I still cannot bring myself to watch network news but I do read the Oregonian every day. If anything peaks my interest, I will be sure to let you know.

THE DEATH WATCH-TWENTY-SIX

A point that my cousin brought up, about human beings behaving within certain restrictions, based on his belief that they were motivated by God and the fear of God, leads me to unload on you the concept that I have that “man” (human beings) are really not part of the biosphere we call the Earth. Although I do believe that “man” is an animal and, therefore, exhibits animal like tendencies, I also believe that “man” strays from some of these animal tendencies to beg the question whether “man” is of this Earth.

If we look at the “Third Rock from the Sun” and consider the Earth, the place we call home, as a Biosphere then we have to believe that this Biosphere has to exist in balance with itself. That is to say, everything that occurs in nature is balanced by something else that occurs in nature. Plants do not grow wild at the expense of some other plants nor do animals multiply beyond their means to survive nor does one species over run the existence of another species. The Biosphere is in balance. The living and dying occur to maintain this balance.

Except for “man”.

Where shall I begin?
“Man” cannot adapt to the environment of the Biosphere without the need for clothing and shelter.
“Man” kills for sport, not just for survival.
“Man” engages in sex for pleasure not just for procreation.
The good that “man” does, and gives himself awards for, are for items to repair the things that “man” does to destroy the Biosphere. Namely, polluting his own environment.
“Man” contributes nothing to the balance of the Biosphere.
“Man” kills others of his own kind for reasons far beyond the need to balance the Biosphere.

It’s as if “man” was dropped into this Biosphere and did not evolve from within this Biosphere. There may be evidence of a genetic link to apes within “man” but a case can as easily be made that there is a link to chickens and fish yet the fact remains, “man” does not seem to fit into this Biosphere.

If you accept this concept then there is nothing that “man” does that can be considered against “man’s” normal nature. “Man” operates under a different set of “laws” that may not necessarily be in synch with the “laws of nature”. The things that “man” does to survive are not necessarily in tune with the Biosphere and therefore lead to the destruction of the Biosphere.

The broadness of the category of “man” needs further dividing since a lot of the concepts that I attributed to “man” are really those of European “man” or those from a “civilized” society. Those that we call “primitives” or “primitive man” lived much closer to the laws of nature than the “civilized man”. For example the American Indian, or Native American, had difficulty with the “white” mans concept of land ownership. As far as the “primitives” were concerned they were the stewards of the land and, therefore, lived in concert with the land. They did not build permanent shelters at the expense of the flora around them nor did they kill for sport but rather to meet their needs for food and clothing. The plains Indians moved with the Buffalo because the Buffalo was their basic provider. I wish I knew more about where the concept of ownership superseded stewardship when it came to land but I suspect it has a religious base. These selfsame “primitives” were also pagans in their religious beliefs and in my way of thinking the concept of many Gods and a respect for the laws of nature are in direct conflict with the notion of one God and the superiority of “man” to allow “man” to destroy the land at the expense of those around him. I highly recommend a paper entitled “The Tragedy of the Common”.

As you can probably tell by now, I have a real problem with the use of the terms “civilized” and “primitive” as it is applied to people today.

THE DEATH WATCH-TWENTY-FIVE

(Here is part two of my answer to my cousin's letter.)

Nobody considers Fire or thunder, as “God” anymore. However, I consider it axiomatic that the “infinity” of time and space, for us, human beings, is going to remain the domain of GOD for a long time.

I don’t agree that nobody considers other Gods. The world is populated by many more members of religions other that Christianity and Judaism and among these religions there are still many gods to worship. I also don’t agree with the infinity of time and space being only God’s domain since I don’t recognize God, yours or anyone else’s.

So. “not believing in God” – as I grasp it - does not constitute a denial of his existence. As a matter of fact I rather tend to assume that the universe did not “create itself”. Nevertheless, I find it bizarre to attribute to God human qualities or behavior, like “hating”, “loving” “rewarding or “punishing” etc.., and of “Him” having any “interests” whatsoever, like that I kiss the Mezuzah on entering a room, or that I don’t cheat my customers. So, logically, there is no reason for me to fear God (to be deterred by him), and I can be as selfish as it suits me,

There are very many Christian faiths that do not adhere to this God that one need fear and I have yet to see any evidence that the fear of God is a deterrent to any criminal of any age or belief.

So far so good, but let me ask you this: How do you explain feelings like COMPASSION, PITY or REMORSE? What is it that prevents us from being CRUEL (especially to defenseless creatures)? What is CONSCIENCE? If it isn’t GOD that deters us and causes us to be decent human beings, what is? What I mean is that we don’t have to be believers and we can define ourselves “atheists” as we chose to be. All this can not exclude God from our heart.

This finally leads me into a concept that I have long held and that is that “man” or “human beings” are just animals and, therefore, have animal instincts. The fact that they are a different sort of animal is a story that takes a different direction and I will gladly expand on that at some other time. For this discussion I contend that “altruism” is not a natural behavior in the animal kingdom. Selfishness is much more a part of the natural behavior of animals, including human beings. Any act of charity, including the work of Mother Theresa, is based on the selfish self satisfaction that is gained in the process of helping others. The so-called feelings you name, compassion, pity, remorse, cruelty, conscience and the old stand-by guilt are all mitigated by some outside force, and it is not God. If it were, our prisons would be nearly empty because there are very few Atheists behind bars. The deterrent is the law, the badge and the gun. “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime”.

THE DEATH WATCH-TWENTY-FOUR

(As I proceeded to write this portion of the Blog I had a feeling that it was going to be too lengthy for a single entry so I have split the following into two parts. Please reserve comments until you have absorbed the two parts.)

I fully expected to hear from some religious person about what I have been writing in my Blog but I was really surprised when I got this letter today from my cousin in Israel. First of all he is Jewish and as far as I know, not a very religious Jew. He has lived in Israel since WW-II and as a young man helped to settle the Holocaust survivors into what was then known as Palestine. Rather than copy the entire part of the letter that deals with religion I will take excerpts from his letter and comment accordingly. He is eight years older than I am and our paths have crossed several times over the years since I was about four until we last saw each other for my 60th birthday.

First, about your attitude toward the fact that you are, as it seems, about to die. You say that you are not afraid of it. I’m sure that some may think you are bluffing, but I don’t think so. Being eighty years old, death for me is not something very remote or irrelevant, and the thought of dying does not scare me either. After all, death is nothing more than not existing anymore, and this is not and should not be frightening. Nevertheless, we, human beings (animals as well) cling to life by instinct...
This leads me to your defining yourself, in your Blog, atheist. Consequently, you probably don’t believe in “life after death”, reincarnation, heaven or hell, etc… For you, like for me, death most certainly, means the ultimate end. So, Michael, if Atheism, for you, means that God does not exist, one can give you a good argument.
After all, as I see it, the universe is a creation. If so, who is the creator? How and when was the universe created? All theories dealing with the subject, including the “Big Bang” theory, do not provide us with a satisfying answer, since you can keep asking “what was there before?” And if they tell you that the universe is definite in size, what is there beyond its limits? And if you mean to say that time and space is unlimited, this is certainly something inconceivable by the human mind. So, for me “God” is a concept we use to explain all phenomena which are inconceivable. Those areas get narrower, along with progress and knowledge.

My biggest argument with organized religion is that it expects an answer for everything. Science is always in search of an answer and the easy route of “God is the answer” does not sit well with me. The exact date of the start of the universe is a debated question among religious folk and they all come up with different answers based on their interpretation of the Bible, or whatever book they are using as The Bible. Why is that really important? In “Inherit the Wind” the argument is made that God did something on a day which preceded the creation of the sun and the moon and yet we measure a day by the rising and the setting of the sun. That “day” might have been a billion years or more.

From the Leader of the Stupid People

Bush hails the defeat of Measure 50

The president is out of line when he interprets Oregon's vote as support for his veto of a children's health bill


(from the Oregonian-Monday, November 19, 2007)

In its $12 million campaign to bring down Oregon's Measure 50, Big Tobacco's strategists created a dense fog of ominous warning about the proposal to raise cigarette taxes.

They claimed that it would irresponsibly amend the state constitution. That it would be fiscally unsustainable. That it would be unfair to low-income smokers. That it would lead to the taxing of other products.

Not once, however, did the tobacco ad blitz ever claim Measure 50 would mean excessive spending on children's health care. Yet that didn't stop President Bush last week from shamelessly asserting that defeat of the measure showed Oregonians to be fed up with overspending by Democrats.

Oregon voters, he said last Tuesday in a speech in Indiana, "rejected the plan to raise tobacco taxes to further enlarge a government health program."

The president is entitled to crow about Measure 50's defeat. His side won, and the victory was a blow to congressional Democrats' goal of raising federal tobacco taxes to help expand the State Children's Health Insurance Program, known as SCHIP.

But Bush distorted the truth in his interpretation of the vote. Oregonians rejected Measure 50 not because it was too spendy but because they were swayed by the tobacco industry's misleading claim that most of the increase in cigarette tax revenue would not go to children's health as promised.

That may have been the single most influential attack on Measure 50. If not, it was certainly the most dishonest attack.

Yes, of course, most of the new revenue would not go directly to children's insurance during the program's first phase. How could it? Enrolling tens of thousands of uninsured kids would take months; much of the initial new cigarette revenue would have to be held in reserve.

After the Nov. 6 trouncing of Measure 50, Bush got on the phone and reportedly congratulated Rep. Greg Walden, R-Ore., the only member of Oregon's congressional delegation to oppose the SCHIP bill, which the president vetoed last month. Bush should be more influenced instead by a different Oregon Republican, Sen. Gordon Smith, one of the most persistent voices in Congress in support of increasing spending for the children's health program by $35 billion over five years.

One of the anti-50 campaign's fascinating successes was the splintering of Oregon's political left. Already furious with Bush for eroding the constitutional balance of powers and for vetoing SCHIP expansion, many socially progressive Oregon voters were open to Big Tobacco's dire warnings about tampering with the state constitution and taxing smokers to pay for health care that the state general fund should provide.

Tobacco strategists skillfully channeled that liberal anger into a drumbeat that always began: "I'm all for children's health care, but . . .."
Bush may be right that Americans, like Oregonians, aren't enthusiastic about raising federal cigarette taxes to help provide children's health care. But he's dead wrong to interpret that as support for his refusal to insure more needy kids.

THE DEATH WATCH-TWENTY-THREE

Today turned out to be a very long day. I had to be at the hospital at 6:00AM for the installation of a temporary central line. Immediately after this was inserted into my neck I was wheeled into Dialysis for the procedure they refer to as “Phoresis”. What they are trying to do is get a background count on my platelets before the anti-body is introduced into my body to see if the anti-body can generate more platelets to fight the cancer cells. The machine they hooked me up to is like a dialysis machine in that it takes my blood out of my body and passes it through the machine before it returns it to me. The machine has a centrifuge which separates out the platelets from the whole blood and collects it for the trial so they can get an accurate count. In about a month’s time after I start getting the anti-body I will go through the same procedure again. From start to finish the process takes about three hours so the bottom line is, I didn’t get home until 2:00PM. Having not eaten or had any pain medicine since early morning, it was a very long day.

THE DEATH WATCH-TWENTY-TWO

On the rare occasions when I have no place to drive or don't plan on driving myself I have tried to increase my pain dosages and frequency and the results are significant. I am able to sit comfortably in any chair or sofa without having to place my legs in strategic positions. I don't feel dizzy or high while I am pain free but I do find that I tend to doze off while watching TV or reading a book. Although I feel well rested I still tend to doze when I am sitting and I can see that this would not be very good if I were sitting and driving. I find that I try to stay particularly alert while driving and I try to maintain a certain level of pain just to keep me aware that I am not that influenced by the drugs.

I made a mistake today. I thought that since I was just sitting around watching football today I really didn’t need my regular dose of painkiller. I was so wrong. The progress of my cancer has now reached the point where the pain occurs whether I am moving or not. Up to now I was pain free when I was stationary so I just assumed that there was no need to take the pain meds unless I planned to move. My first indicator of my error in planning was when my jaw started hurting while I was just sitting. The second indicator was that I couldn’t find a comfortable sitting position. The final blow was when I finally decided to take the painkiller and I was in so much pain I could hardly move. I have learned my lesson and I hope I don’t make the same mistake again. But, to err is human, so I’m sure it’ll happen again even though I don’t look forward to it happening.

This ought to be an interesting week. Monday I have to get a blood sample taken and on Tuesday morning I have to go to the hospital to have a central line installed. Thursday is Thanksgiving so I will be “eating” all my meals before we leave the house and I just hope we remember to take the pain meds with us. The week after Thanksgiving is when the Clinical Trial really starts.

I got my new laptop on Saturday and since I got it especially for the wireless capability I wanted from my recliner but somehow I couldn’t get it to work. It is a nice computer but somehow I need to get some keys or spit-balls-of-wisdom on how to get the parts I have to talk to each other. I still have high hopes.

MORE STUPID PEOPLE

Experts try to flesh out meaning of student's stick-figure violence


Suspension - A first-grader kicked out for a drawing is thought by some to be too young to make a real threat

Friday, November 16, 2007

KATE TAYLOR
The Oregonian Staff

The stick-figure drawing that ignited controversy and prompted a southern Oregon school to suspend a 6-year-old student this week had experts debating the ability of young children to grasp violence as well as how school officials should respond to trouble signs.
Little Butte School officials in Eagle Point on Tuesday suspended Ryan Weathers, a first-grader, for drawing a stick figure shooting another stick-figure in the head, and possibly for threatening to shoot fellow students.
"At that age, there's a disconnect between the action and the consequence -- it's hard for (children) to connect behavior with outcome," said Megan McClelland, associate professor at Oregon State University's College of Health and Human Sciences. "The part of the brain that's involved in planning and thinking long term is still developing."


The boy's family could not be reached, and school officials didn't return phone calls Thursday. But school officials earlier stated in a disciplinary report given to the boy's family that besides the offending picture, the boy threatened to shoot two girls in the head, according to the Medford Mail Tribune.
It's not clear how the threats occurred, but parents who learned of the drawing complained to school officials. Then school staff suspended the boy for at least one day. Douglas Weathers, the boy's father, told the Medford paper earlier this week that his son's picture mimicked a drawing displayed by a character in an episode of "The Simpsons."
In a 32-year early childhood teaching career, recently retired West Linn teacher Coleen Ahmann said she'd rarely seen violent pictures drawn by students. But one thing she learned through teaching is that what adults see is not always what children have drawn. Before acting, school staff must be sure they've done enough listening to the child, she said.
"If something like that happened in my class, I probably would have taken some private time to talk to the little guy or gal and clarify" what was going on, she said. Then, if the situation merited it, she'd involve a counselor, and then, perhaps, a parent. Together, they'd do a lot of talking as well as listening to the child.
On Thursday, she and other child development experts debated whether such a young child could understand what a threat is, let alone carry it out.
"I would say they (children) would have a poor sense of what threatening was," said Deborah Sipe, child development center director at Portland Community College's Sylvania campus. "It's more likely that they would understand wanting to strike out in a general sense because they feel someone's causing them problems or causing them pain."
There are simply too many steps in the structure of a threat for such young children to grasp, McClelland of Oregon State University said.

"They don't understand 'If I do this, you will die,' " she said. "They are just starting to fill in the gaps."
Yet Katherine C. Pears, a research scientist at the Oregon Social Learning Center in Eugene, said that by age 2, children generally begin understanding that other people have different feelings and perspectives than they do.
Which, she said, is why adults commonly address trouble between children by asking "How would you feel if . . ..?"


"By 6, kids ought to be able to take another person's perspective," she said. Children should understand "the message that you caused pain in another person's world. Of course, individuals vary widely, and some kids may not be there yet, while other kids are way up in moral reasoning."
Discussion and support are vital, said Sipe of Portland Community College.
"It's good to pause," she said. But not to simply oust the child to protect others. Schools must summon their counselors, call the family in, gather around the child and find out what's going on, she said. They shouldn't isolate the family, she said.
Besides being gentle, the intervention should be swift, said Pears.
"There's a great deal of research showing that the earlier you intervene," she said, "the better your chances are of having positive outcomes for the kids."
But Douglas Weathers said school officials overreacted.
"He's not a violent kid," said Weathers, who planned to hold his son out of school until early next week. "He did not mean any harm."


Kate Taylor: 503-294-5116; katetaylor@news.oregonian.com

THE DEATH WATCH-TWENTY-0NE

Death & Dying-2

I have received quite a bit of correspondence with reference to the Blog I have been writing since I was diagnosed with incurable cancer. The common theme is that the writers believe I’m doing something remarkable in detailing my feelings about “Death & Dying”. What I find remarkable, and rather sad, is that others find what I’m doing remarkable.

Some how and somewhere society has made a disconnect between the reality of death and made a myth of dying. I don’t seem to be caught up with these obstacles to the reality and therefore I am proceeding as I see things unfolding. The letters, however, have brought out this disconnect and maybe I can help by delving further into my feelings about “Death & Dying”.

People, in general, fear dying. Not necessarily just for themselves but for others close to them. It is more than they are afraid to die. One drives at a safe speed so they won’t hit anything and get killed. Is this due to a fear of dying? I doubt it. People aren’t really faced with the prospect of dying until they are ill or actually in that accident they were trying to avoid.

At one time I had a difference of opinion with a school counselor with reference to a 9-year-old boy that was having trouble in school mainly because he was such a nice kid that his teachers never pushed him to learn. I took it upon myself to work with him so that he learned how to read and I was very demanding in my efforts. The school counselor took umbrage with my methods and suggested that what he needed was to be “motivated”. She really got upset when I suggested that fear was a great motivator. Apparently I was more prophetic than I realized. Fear seems to be a real and VERY popular motivator.

Kids are threatened to behave with certain key phrases like, “God will punish you for that” or “You won’t go to heaven when you die” or “You’ll get coal in your stocking at Christmas”. Fear!

Our leaders in Washington are constantly not only talking down to us but they use large dosages of FEAR to get us to believe what it is they are trying to sell us. The whole basis for Rudy Gs campaign and apparent popularity is FEAR.

Let’s talk a little bit about “Heaven & Hell”. An obvious religious reference and, therefore, steeped in FAITH. Without setting out to destroy the entire concept I would like to raise some questions I have had for a very long time. When someone is dying they are told they are going to a better place, namely heaven. When someone has died there loved ones are told that they are in a better place, namely heaven. All through their lives they know of the existence of this better place. The song goes, “You’ll get pie in the sky when you die”. So why aren’t more people rushing to get there? Suicide is a sin and yet it seems all the hype about heaven would encourage more suicides.

The fear of hell has never seemed like a big deterrent to crime as the badge, the gun and jail. Based on the crime rate in this country, those don’t seem like good deterrents either. Is there a real behavior modification in a person due to the fear of going to hell vs. going to heaven? I wish I knew the answer.

Death is not a thing that one need fear. It is part of the natural process of life, from birth to death. Of course when someone dies young it is a sad occurrence. Death at the hands of another human being is also sad and there may be fear involved when the death is related to some crime like a serial killer but in the case of naturally occurring death, such as from an illness, does not need to be feared.

If you believe that death is preordained in the natural order of things then you should be able to face death with an open mind and very little fear. Death is inevitable. It is when death causes anxiety that it becomes a concern. At this time my only concern is the preparations I have to make to ease the burden on those I leave behind.

The tight rope that those around me have to walk is to maintain a relatively normal life style and not exclude me just because I’m ill. Soon they are going to have to do things without me and they should not be afraid to plan for those occasions.

I am straight with what I have to face but my biggest problem is trying to help others face their own realities. I don’t ever expect to get that right.

THE DEATH WATCH-TWENTY

Random Observations-V

I just finished reading Philip Roth’s latest book “Exit Ghost”. It turned out to be very apropos because it dealt with a 71 year old man that was going through a procedure to narrow down the opening in his urinary tract so that he would be less incontinent. His incontinence was due to the removal of a cancerous prostate. His description of having to change his diapers often and his fear of going swimming in public hit home. He also was impotent as a result of the surgery, which annoyed him no end. The most heartening part is when he tells of making a date with a slightly older woman, who has had brain surgery and still has brain cancer. He himself has to keep a notebook for all his conversations in order to keep track of where he’d been and where he was supposed to go. They made a date to meet for dinner via telephone and each wasn’t sure the other would show up. He went to the restaurant and waited to order till she showed up but after waiting an hour just sipping water he realized that he might be in the wrong restaurant. He didn’t have her phone number with him so he rushed to call his hotel and got the message that she had been waiting for an hour in another restaurant and that she understood why he had not shown up. It is never clear as to who was in error but the whole story is very sad because neither person was surprised when the other failed to show and was willing to accept that fact. I guess that getting old is a real bitch.

I have started to carry a Palm Pilot with me for my appointments and scheduled events and as long as I keep the battery charged I should be in good shape. I can set alarms as reminders and I also carry with me a set of addresses and phone numbers, in addition to the ones already on my cell phone.

So far my head still seems to be on straight and I am carefully monitoring my driving performance while on painkillers. I have not any problems yet and I hope to avoid problems in the future.

It’s 6:00PM on Thursday, which turns out to have been a VERY LONG day. I doubt very much I’ll be able to get anything posted to the Blog today. The day started with an appointment with the oncologist and then I continued the day with the Clinical Trial coordinator who took me through a day of tests. First, I got evaluated by the Dialysis nurse to see if my veins were good enough to take Ivs when they run their tests. Her assessment was that I ought to have a central line put in by a doctor so that they would not have to get IVs every time they ran the tests. (I am having this line installed next Tuesday)
My next appointment was to have some radioactive material injected into my blood stream for a later-that-day bone scan. I had to kill two hours before that appointment so I got a chance to read the paper and do the crossword. Immediately after hat I was supposed to get an Ultrasound of my abdomen but the CT scan of my chest and abdomen was done first. After the Ultrasound I had o lay low for another two hours before they could do my bone scan. It was almost 5:00PM when I got through with all those tests plus I had an EKG thrown in at sometime between tests. I had not eaten all day nor had I taken any pain meds since early morning so by the time I started to head home I was a wreck. I am having my dinner now and expect to be asleep very soon. Net result is no posting Thursday.

THE DEATH WATCH-NINETEEN

Death Is Not The End

by Bob Dylan

When you're sad and when you're lonely and you haven't got a friend
Just remember that death is not the end
And all that you've held sacred, falls down and does not mend
Just remember that death is no the end
Not the end, not the end
Just remember that death is not the end

When you're standing at the crossroads that you cannot comprehend
Just remember that death is not the end
And all your dreams have vanished and you don't know what's up the bend
Just remember that death is not the end
Not the end, not the end
Just remember that death is not the end

When the storm clouds gather 'round you, and heavy rains descend
Just remember that death is not the end
And there's no one there to comfort you, with a helpin' hand to lend
Just remember that death is not the end
Not the end, not the end
Just remember that death is not the end

Oh, the tree of life is growing
Where the spirit never dies
And the bright light of salvation shines
In dark and empty skies

When the cities are on fire with the burning flesh of men
Just remember that death is not the end
And you search in vain to find just one law abiding citizen
Just remember that death is not the end
Not the end, not the end
Just remember that death is not the end

THE DEATH WATCH-EIGHTEEN

Random Observations-III

I’m tired.

I’m so tired.

This constant spitting is getting very tiresome and I’m getting very tired of losing more of my independence by the minute. I have pain in my jaw and even my teeth are hurting and yet the painkiller is allowing me to move because without it I can hardly walk. I may try to increase the dosage tomorrow but the increase will also decrease my independence.

I’m tired of being an afterthought and I don’t see the near future changing drastically. I guess my only choice is to stay cool and play it one day at a time.

Two close friends died this past year; one was on a cruise ship when he collapsed and died when his internal organs came apart and the other just died watching TV in his house. Neither of them showed any signs of illness. They both died quickly without preamble. I’m concerned that my own situation is going to drag out so far that I may antagonize my so-called loved ones just waiting for the final day. I am trying to stay alert and composed on a daily basis so that I can feel I am still of some use. I don’t want to become a burden that needs to be pampered and looked after over a long time period. My routine is pretty straightforward but I have the feeling that I’m being expected to do less and less as if I were already gone. I can’t let this feeling get to me because I may find myself becoming antagonistic when I should remain cool.

This is starting to look like a tight rope I will have to learn to walk.

It would sure help if the spitting could be stopped. I think I can handle the pain in my bones, legs and jaw if I could eat some soup or have a cup of coffee. The tastes in my mouth are not pleasant and I even tried to swish some sweet coffee and chocolate milk in my mouth, which helped for a little bit. Swallowing even small sips was very difficult but I’ll keep trying.

My handicaps are so subtle that for all intents and purposes I look healthy. My walk is slow and deliberate, my conversations are limited because of the saliva buildup, and my voice is low because of the voice box damage. My eating schedule requires that I spend several hours in the lounge chair both in the mornings and afternoon. My bladder situation requires that I void myself periodically so that I have to plan my trips away from the house carefully. My bowel movements have also been erratic lately so again I have to be careful about where and when and how long I leave the house.

Starting next week I will make an attempt to do a better job in regulating my daily activities so that a more regular routine will boost my feelings about my lifestyle. I am still not sure that the doctors really understand their definition of the quality of life. My biggest hurdle will be the people closest to me and maintaining my cool.
All the above was written late at night and now it is early in the morning and I just read my Horoscope, which says, “Just say no to worries and anxieties. Although you are likely to be pessimistic things are much better than you might think today”.

I am really looking forward to this clinical study because it will give me places to go and things to do that will be a big break from my daily routine. Again, my problem is with the ones who think that I have to be treated with kid gloves. I am not about to keel over if you think I will lose my temper. I am mellower now than I’ve ever been and my blood pressure is so low I am almost comatose. This can’t all be attributed to the drugs. The key for me is just keeping my cool. There is no way to explain ones feelings under these circumstances but I would have expected that adults would have a better understanding. Just treat me as normal not as if there was a death sentence printed on my forehead.

I can feel that my health is going downhill on a daily basis so I am more conscious of the need for the painkillers but I certainly don’t feel any changes occurring in my thought processes so I am sure I can maintain my cool. Thanksgiving is coming up, which will be a test of my public persona.

The difference between finite and infinite

The concept of the difference between finite and infinite is not strictly mathematical. What I have come to realize is that when I stopped working, and was placed into forced retirement, I had to do some math to figure out how I could live on my meager savings which were in various forms of IRAs and retirement packages. It boiled down to making a comparison between what I was earning annually and how many years I could live on my retirement savings based on the life style I had grown accustomed to. Well, it turned out, that wasn’t a whole lot of years. Truth be told, I really never planned to retire so that over the years that I was working I lived for the day and didn’t do a whole lot of saving for tomorrow.

That part of the story is what happens when you divide what you have by the number infinity

When that number becomes finite, the whole story changes and now instead .of calculating what I have to spend per year for an unknown number of years I can now try to figure out how I can spend all that money in the time I have left, and enjoy doing it.

The IRS has a hand in this as well since they have not been able to tax me on the IRA type funds, they wrote a law that says I’m required to take out a certain percentage of my IRA funds and annually have that as income that they in turn can tax. So even if I don’t ask for any money the money manager has to send me a check every year.

This new spending plan is going to be fun to deal with so I hope I play my cards right and cash out before I have to cash in.

THE DEATH WATCH-SEVENTEEN

Random Observations-II


11/10/07-Saturday-4:00AM-This was starting to look like a very busy day for me what with a 9:00AM Soccer Game and an 11:00AM Riding Lesson and a 3:00PM visit from my ex. In between I had a tentative appointment to see a laptop Toshiba I found on Craig’s list. With all this to look forward to I decided to eat early so I could be ready for the 8:15AM departure for the soccer game. I had really planned to go it alone but Sue, the wife, had other ideas since she is always concerned about my driving while on my pain drugs. It was a good thing she insisted because by the time I had finished my “breakfast” my stomach was acting up and I was barely able to sit through the soccer game. I never did make it to the riding lesson because I was just afraid to be too far from home and my own toilet. The net result was a stomach cramp for most of the day even after numerous visits to the throne room. By the time I was ready for “dinner” I was so worn out I fell asleep during the feeding and I had to force myself to get ready for “bed”. The fact that I also had a coughing fit in the morning that really seemed to wear me out. Altogether I was one tired puppy and slept through from 10:30PM to 3:00AM, bladder call. I guess the lesson of the day was, don’t take the iron supplement everyday and don’t plan to do as much in the future. The bright spot of the day was that I won the laptop I was bidding on in Ebay so soon I will be able to access the Internet from my “bed”.

Death & Dying

My little girl had to come home early from school Friday. She was sad about my dying and told one of her friends that she was sad and why. Some other kids overheard her and started to laugh. She felt worse at being laughed at so she just wanted to come home.

What did the kids find so funny about death?

There is something very wrong with a society that does not understand death and dying. The truth of what society is all about is in the reaction of the most innocent, the children. We are not allowed to see the caskets arriving from Iraq because this government decided to hide the fact that people are dying and outlawed the media from showing these daily events. Death is not funny but it is certainly the news. Dying is not funny but it is certainly a reality.

Video games with death and dying are by far the most popular video games but the reality of the death and the dying is lost in computer graphics, which we all know are not real. This disconnect, between computer graphics and reality is what makes death laughable.

A few months ago there was a minister at a local church who was also the youth pastor, who proudly described the paint-ball outing they were going to have as a way of teaching teamwork to the kids.

Paint-ball is a game where each ”player” gets a handgun with paintballs for ammunition that the “player” is supposed to aim at another “player” and shoot them with a paintball. There are all sorts of obstacles and barriers to hide behind and teams are made up to “fight” another team. What is missing from this “game” is the fact that you have one human being firing a weapon at another human being with the object to kill that other human being.

No wonder the kids laugh at dying!

Somewhere along the way I misplaced the biblical disconnect between, “Thou shalt not kill” but only in paintball.

I wrote to the church, and any member whose name and address I could find, about my feelings about this planned activity and got zero response.

Is it any wonder that death is only a laughing matter?

I own guns and have owned guns for over 50 years although I am not a hunter. My children all know the difference between real death and playing at dying.

THE DEATH WATCH-SIXTEEN

Random Observations

11/7/07-4:30AM-Jaw is really hurting, both sides. I woke because of my bladder but I couldn’t go back to sleep since my jaw is hurting. I think I’ll get myself a pedicure. I watched “On Golden Pond” last night and I seemed to focus on the talk of death and dying which now seems such a personal and private matter. I guess all our expectations differ and, therefore, so do our reactions. So far I seem to be reacting selfishly and as long as I’m not in a tizzy over dying then I would prefer that others also maintain their cool. I will probably mellow out in the near future and start to be more understanding of other’s concerns. I don’t yet know how this will manifest itself but I just expect it to occur.


11/08/07-Thursday-4:00AM-The bladder alarm clock at work again. I awake with a dry mouth and very sore jaws that seem to get better immediately after taking the painkiller. The accumulation of the nighttime saliva does no seem excessive. I have not seen any appreciable difference in the restriction in my esophagus since the radiation treatment stopped so I can only conclude that the attempt was a failure. The net result for me, therefore, is not a great improvement in my quality of life. The spitting is by far the biggest incentive I have to investigate the use of the Doctor assisted suicide law here in Oregon. I can live with the need for painkillers and I can still function pretty well while “drugged” but as far as quality of life goes, the constant spitting is getting very old.

I really need to get a better laptop since this old Sony just can’t handle the wireless card that I got. I will need to have wireless access because I anticipate I will be bedridden shortly and I don’t want to lose touch with the Internet while confined to a deathbed.

I feel less and less like doing anything because it takes so much effort just to get up and the fault is strictly mine. As soon as I hear any stirring in the house I will stir myself and get some painkiller which will help me through the next stage, showering and getting dressed.

11/08/07-8:00PM-The spitting seems to have diminished a bit so I can only suppose there might be some improvement in the near future. At least I can still hope.

11/09/07-Friday-3:30AM-Woke up and decided to have breakfast early. I got a couple of blood tests yesterday and I’m supposed to get another today, all part of the precursors to the clinical study I signed up for.

“The indifference of the dying…”

Ever since I first heard that I had cancer, in March of 2006, my attitude towards the everyday, mundane items of life has been, “I don’t care.” All those things that had some importance in my life, from the type of toothpaste I was using to the decisions of the Attorney General of the United States towards illegal wire tapping of US Citizens, meant something to me. I had an opinion about everything and I cared about all sorts of diverse issues.

Not any more.

I don’t care.

Knowing that one is dying, within a finite time frame, seems to change everything. For one thing, I’m less tempted to buy myself something I’ve always wanted and I try to do things sooner than I expected since I’m not sure I’ll be around to do them.

There also seems to be a need to shed myself of those personal items in my life that I held dear and that I owned as part of my “collection” of things. I am anxious now to rid myself of those items that might be considered the “estate” among the wealthy. I don’t now understand the mindset of holding onto things for when I have the time to enjoy them. I now have the time but I lack any ambition to enjoy them.

On the other hand I have acquired a whole new set of items that concern me and they fall into the category of not leaving my loved ones to deal with the petty shit that I might leave behind. Un-paid bills and financial burdens that were never any body else’s’ responsibility.

This is stuff I do care about.

I have grand children to whom I’d like to impart some “spit-balls-of-wisdom” that I don’t think anyone else is capable of doing. I may have to compact this time-line now in order to fulfill that need.


The things I’m starting to miss already are those things that the nine year old will go through that I won’t be around to see. Graduation from grade school, boys, middle school, high school, learning to drive, utilizing her talents for writing, performing and athletics.

I look back and see places where I failed my own children because I thought I’d be there forever and I thought I could always make it up when the time came. In some cases I didn’t make it up yet and now I’m running out of time. Somewhere along this last time-line I have to care.

My first order of business is to get my little house of cards in-order and then deal with issues as I see them, without expecting to ever see the outcome of my actions.

STUPID PEOPLE

I always thought there were a lot of stupid people around and now I know that the number of stupid people in the state of Oregon is sufficient to vote NO on a measure to add a tax to cigarettes so that the money could be used to care for uninsured sick kids. Apparently there are more stupid people in the state than there are smokers. The whole affair is very sad because on top of just being stupid the votes were the result of Big Tobacco spending about Twelve Million Dollars on this NO on 50 campaign. The TV programs were blasted with slick, misleading ads that won the so-called minds of the voters, the stupid ones.

The lesson that “Money Talks” and that the bigger the money the bigger the lies and the bigger the results in favor of the big money, is unfortunately the only truth of this entire sordid affair.

If only the $12,000,000.00 had been spent on helping the sick kids instead of defeating the insurance for kid’s measure.

On the national scene we have a group of, supposedly intelligent people that just agreed to pass on the name of a nominated new Attorney General for the complete Senate approval, who isn’t sure whether “water boarding” is a form of torture. Their sensible and intelligent reasoning is that the selection is so much better than his predecessor that the definition of torture is not as relevant as the need for a better organized AG office for the USA. The definition of the legality of torture that the administration would like to have on the books must not include anything they are doing now or have done in the past.

The criteria of using the lowest common denominator as a source of comparison for the AG position are a pathetic reflection on the thinking in DC. Yes, Alberto was bad but just because an interim AG is an unknown, why just select someone that will be a good housekeeper?

The bottom line for me is that there are people out there that are in jail for using “water boarding” as part of there interrogation methods and yet the administration is trying to say this method is not torture so that GW can keep saying, “…the USA does not torture”.

THE DEATH WATCH-FIFTEEN

Today is today and I saw my GP, essentially just to say good-bye so for a change of pace:

What about Rudy?

Who is this Rudy Giuliani that is running for President? By what stretch of the imagination does he see himself as qualified to be President? At best he was a mediocre Mayor of NYC before, during and after 9/11 but by virtue of being connected with the tragic events of that day, just because he happened to be the Mayor at the time, he thinks his world –wide name recognition gives him the credentials to run for the Presidency of the USA.

On his record as Mayor alone he will be hard pressed to go down in the history of NYC as even one of the top ten best. In fact, he may have been one of the worst. To add insult to injury, he had nothing to do to prevent the events of 9/11 but certainly may have contributed to the loss of life based on his handling of the communications between the Police and the Fire Departments prior to 9/11.

In the aftermath of 9/11 he was the cities face and cheerleader with his NYPD and FDNY hats that he wore at every possible public event. It now turns out that he may be involved in the deaths of as many people who died on that day as a result of his “taking over” the clean-up of the building collapse without any knowledge of the side effects he was dealing with. Other locales, like the Pentagon, at least called in professionals to protect the clean-up workers against the dangers of the inhaled dusts.

The story even gets worse as his popularity rises based on his Karl Rove type hype and his trying to ride the GW Bush coat-tails. He has opinions on torture, an important element of his Mayor of NYC background, and homeland security as well as wide spread wire tapping. What saddens me the most is that there are people out there listening to this nobody.

THE DEATH WATCH-FOURTEEN

11/1/07-Thursday-5:15AM-Good nights sleep. In need of painkiller first thing.
11/1/07-4:50PM-Had lunch with some people I used to work with and it was fun to see them and watch them eat. I can feel it when I need another shot of painkiller. I’m trying to limit my use of the painkiller to a real need scenario and when I will be staying home.

11/2/07-Friday-1:45AM-Can’t sleep. Just lying here wide-awake. Thinking about eating something.
11/2/07-4:00AM-Bladder wake-up call.
11/2//07-5:40AM-Time to get up for real. Need painkiller first.
11/2/07-10:00AM-Tube feeding done and ready to meet the day.
11/2/07-4:45PM-Dinner time!

11/3/07-01:30AM-Bladder wake-up and painkiller time.
11/3/07-2:00PM-Really hurting after going to noon soccer game. I really needed the painkiller and a good rest. The spitting hasn’t abated yet but the radiation may still take time to work.

11/4/07-3:45AM-Bladder wake-up call. Daylight saving went off last night so I’m not really sure of the time but the bladder is still calling.

11/5/07-12:40AM-Rough evening. I kept falling asleep during my feeding so that now that it is bedtime I’m not tired. The spitting situation has not improved and spending a lot of time talking has only made it worse. I had a lot of visitors today and although the time spent was pleasant, the after affects are hard. Big on my To-Do list for this coming week is getting my doctor to evaluate all the medications I am taking since some of the items I’m medicating are long term items.
11/5/07-4:50AM-I got my regular bladder wake-up call so I can start the day a bit early.

It looks like I’m all caught up chronologically with this Blog so as of tomorrow I will start an up-to-date daily diary.

THE DEATH WATCH-THIRTEEN

It’s 1:15AM on Tuesday the 30th of October and I can’t sleep. I think I slept for a little bit between 11:00PM and now but I awoke for no apparent reason. My entire life cycle is upside-down so I expect that within a few minutes I will feel tired enough to try to sleep again. The painkiller has worn off so getting up and around is a bit of a pain. From now on I will pay closed attention to when I take the painkiller. Under the influence of the painkiller I was able to function very well.

It’s 5:00AM and I got my wake-up call from my bladder again. This time I could have slept longer but the timing was perfect get my breakfast and wake up my little girl to get ready for school. The weather looks clear and crisp and not rainy just before Halloween.

I had my Zometa Treatment this afternoon, which lasted all of fifteen minutes. I get another treatment next month and between now and then I just have to watch for side effects, of which there are possibilities of many. This treatment is supposed to strengthen my bones, which are now cancerous. I hope that it at least will diminish the pain.

Tonight will be interesting because one of the side effects is supposed to be difficulty in sleeping.

I woke up at 3:00AM with the words, “We are Marshall!” ringing in my ears. I stayed up to midnight to see this movie and I wasn’t about to let their story go down so easily. I will go back to sleep tonight but I had to make sure my system was purged of the feel good nature of the ending.

The net result of my Zometa Treatment is that I had a very sleepless night and I have spent the day with stomach cramps. I hit at least two of the long list of possible side effects.

Unless something outstanding occurs during the next few days, I will put the Blog on Limbo until the Blog catches up with the real time world. I will keep posting everyday but the next entry will appear on the day it is actually written.

THE DEATH WATCH-TWELVE

MONDAY-29 OCTOBER 2007


3AM and I feel well rested after taking a painkiller at around 6:30PM with my dinner and an Ativan at bedtime, around 11PM. There seems to be a definite improvement in the frequency of my spitting although the character of the spit seems also to have changed. As I said before, I can only hope that the situation keeps improving after today’s last treatment. I’m almost tempted to try a cup of soup very soon. I have a couple of errands to do today and I should really try to get some bills done today. Tomorrow looks like it could be a long day with the meeting with the research team.

The World Series is over now that the Red Sox swept the Colorado Rockies in four games and we get off daylight saving next weekend. The last soccer game for the season is on the 10th and Halloween is in two days so there is a lot to look forward to, as well as Thanksgiving, which is just around the corner. I have to set myself some more milestones and keep getting grateful when I reach them. All-in-all I just hope to stay alert and not get into a vegetative state too soon.

I had may last radiation treatment and talked to the Oncologist who helped me fill out the form describing what my last wishes are for treatment in case I lose consciousness. It is a bright pink form and we’re supposed to post it on the refrigerator so the EMTs can spot it easily. At least I’m getting my paperwork done. The final results of the radiation treatment won’t be evident for a few weeks but I feel better already.

He doesn’t feel that my demise is immanent so he said just hang in there and take my pain medicine and incase I run into a situation where something hurts beyond the painkiller’s abilities I should call him and he can have the local area zapped with x-rays and make a quick repair. It’s reassuring to have this kind of support. I feel badly for the Oncologists that have to report the bad news to me so I try to reassure them that I am fine with what is happening and I promise not to go berserk with “Why me?”

THE DEATH WATCH-ELEVEN

VISTAS!!! It seems like I have been viewing the world around me as memorable vistas as if I can capture the moment like an image from a digital camera. Upon reflection I guess it all started when I first heard the word cancer associated with my body and me. At first it was a very conscious effort to remember what was in my line of sight as if it was going to be my last. Since then it has become a subconscious thing and it only came to mind this evening. As things are happening to my body I am being made very aware that I can’t take anything for granted. My need to spit seems to have abated since the radiation treatment started and I expect that these next two days of no treatment will show further improvement. On the other hand the cancer is progressing throughout the rest of my body so that I really feel a greater need to use the painkillers. I’m glad to say that my brain seems unaffected and although I am conscious of a shorter fuse to my temper I am still in touch with reality. I have not lost my sense of humor but I also feel close to the edge when it comes to minor irritations. I don’t yet know how these items will balance out but so far I’m trying to maintain an “I don’t care” attitude, which should keep me from petty conflicts. Another thing, which I don’t look forward to, is becoming dependent on others for things I know I should be able to do myself. It’s hard for me not to react negatively when asked if I need help with something.


SATURDAY-27 OCTOBER 2007


It’s 5:30AM and there seems to be a definite improvement in my esophageal constriction. The quality of my spit has been changed to almost exclusively phlegm and the quantity has been reduced so that I am not spitting as often. Again, I am in high hopes that by the end of the weekend my entire swallowing problem will become manageable.

It being Saturday I must prepare myself for visitors and I will also try to start the day on painkillers. I had nothing planned of an independent nature today so I will allow myself to be catered to and try to maintain a relatively kind disposition. This may be a real test today!


SUNDAY-28 OCTOBER 2007


It’s 4:10AM and it is my bladder that is responsible for my wake-up call again. I went to sleep last night after the Red Sox victory in game three of the 2007 World Series, on the Vicadin painkiller and the Advil sleeping pill. I slept very soundly from midnight to four. I anticipate that I will catch some more sleep after I void my bladder.

Yesterday went very well with having taken painkillers starting early in the day, through the day and in the evening. I was able to get around during the day without limitations due to pain and I drove to the stables and home with no ill affects. I had no signs of fatigue nor did I feel the loss of control throughout the day. Admittedly, in the evening near the end of the game, I did start to dose easily. I will be on my own today so I plan to take the painkillers on a regular basis until approximately 3:00PM when I have to drive to the stable again.

THE DEATH WATCH-TEN

TIME CHECK-24 October 2007

Since my time line ran afoul of my ability to get back into this Blog I thought I out to re-establish the real time line. I just posted the second of my write-ups and it is about a week behind. Today’s activity was my second of five radiations and tomorrow I have an appointment with the Oncologist. Hopefully, he will be able to give me a realistic time-line and a plan for my quality of life. Right now I’m still not sure that what I am experiencing is really associated with the cancer. I will also be seeing the radiation Oncologist after my last treatment on Monday. I’ll keep writing and posting but I wanted to benchmark the real time of these items.

11:30PM-I am having a problem sleeping since I am constantly gagging on my own saliva and I have to cough up and spit out. Some of the spit resembles flem (0r is it phlegm). My left jaw hurts and my knees are hurting so badly that I fear they will buckle under me. I need to support myself just to climb a single step. I also am feeling some chest pain since I am coughing quite a bit. As soon as the gagging dissipates I will try sleeping again. My most comfortable position outside of the recliner that I sleep in is the driving position behind the wheel of the Vette. My knees do not hurt and my back and chest are not under any stress. I do, however, still need to spit often. Talking leads to spitting fits and telephone conversation is a real chore.

So far I have not seen any change to my situation as a result of the radiation but it’s only the second of five treatments so I still have high hopes.



TIME CHECK-25 October 2007


It’s 4:00AM and I woke to the duel messages from my bladder and my saliva build-up. I decided to start my breakfast now so that I can leave for the hospital as soon as I meet the school bus at 7:24AM. It seemed to work well yesterday even though I did have to nap a bit to catch-up on my sleep. Today is my appointment with the Oncologist so I hope to find out the full extent of my cancer.

The bottom line after my appointment is that they don’t know anything about a time-line. I could live six-months, plus or minus, more or less. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and I probably won’t live another five years. I guess it is all up to me to decide how I want to live till I die. Since my legs are hurting the doctor says to take painkillers and starting next week he will start me on a regimen to strengthen my bones. I should try to do whatever I feel capable of doing and ask him for the means to get those things done. I am also looking into a clinical study to see about getting dosed with chemicals that should help the body build anti-bodies against cancer. There will be fewer side effects than with chemo and neither promises to increase my life expectancy. I can only hope that the radiation decreases the blockage in my throat and then I’ll only be left with the cancer induced weakness.


TIME CHECK-26 October 2007


My bladder woke me at 3:30AM after a very deep sleep. I’m sure that the use of a couple of shots of Vicadin (painkiller) helped with my sleep. I also didn’t feel as much discomfort or pain from walking. I will start breakfast very soon so that I at least have something on my stomach prior to the next radiation treatment. This will be treatment #4. I do see some results already in that I seem to be spitting less but I am also experiencing more phlegm coming up. I guess I should have had a simpler symptom time-line for the doctor since he wanted to know when things started to hurt. My fatigue is directly related to the cancer so knowing that will allow me to overcome that aspect of my daily routine. “We shall overcome…someday!”


In trying to establish the “which-came-first” scenario I am still not very clear. I guess I was experiencing some leg and knee pain before the new cancer was uncovered but the pains really escalated after the doctor told us that the cancer had spread to the lungs and the bones. The balancing act I now have to work on is the amount and quantity of painkiller I take at the expense of my ability to function. The leg pain is going to be my benchmark to begin with and I will adjust my daily schedule according to how the painkillers affect my functionality.