THE DEATH WATCH-NINE

I find that I empathize with the bull in the bullring. When the bull first enters the bullring he rules over all that he can see so he runs the entire length and breadth of his territory, the walled in round pen of the bullring. When the matador first enters his space, the bull charges with the authority that he believes he has over his domain since he has been bred to have the aggressive attitude that brought him there in the first place. After the matador shows off his bravery, using a very large cape, by allowing the bull to charge the cape and pass very closely to the matador’s body, the Picadors enter the ring to weaken the bull with spears from horseback. Their function is to destroy the bull’s muscles at the back of his neck so that he loses the ability to raise his head and, therefore, is unable to complete his normal aggressive thrust and head toss. At his point the bull’s territory has diminished to the space he feels he can cover in short bursts of speed. In reality, the space under his perceived control is now about half of what it was when he first entered the ring. To further add to the pageantry of the event, embarrass the bull and show off the matador’s bravery, the matador may elect to tag the bulls withers with colorful flags attached to spikes imbedded in the muscle. (Some matadors prefer to use others to imbed these little spears) The net result is more pain for the bull, which again reduces his controllable space, and a target for the matador’s sword at the moment of truth. The next stage of the event is when the matador takes a smaller red cape and a sword with double edge and a curved tip to prepare the bull for the kill. It is at this point that the space the bull is defending becomes very small and in order for the matador to get the bull to charge he must approach the bull and get within a step or two whereas in the earlier parts of the event the bull had sought out the matador anywhere within the walls of the bullring.

I can’t remember when was the last time I ate solid food. I certainly can’t remember what it was I ate. I only know that I miss eating whole food and that I still have a memory of what things tasted like, although that may also be fading fast. When I first started to have problems with my ability to swallow and was told there was nothing that could be done I resigned myself to a life of protein-boosted milkshakes, which included yogurt, banana or fruit cocktail additives. Good flavor but still not as good as solid food. Pureed soups were also on the menu and they certainly added spice to a bland world. Eating out was not a problem either since I limited myself to clear soups. Farina for breakfast was also a possibility. As we approached our planned trip in June I started drinking Ensure because it is a high protein over the counter drink that would be available anywhere we traveled. My situation took a nosedive when the restriction became so bad that I couldn’t even swallow my own saliva. The stomach tube became a must and I started on the dilation procedures with the GI doctor. A clear soup sounds awfully good to me right now. I was hoping that the dilation procedures would lead to again being able to eat solid food but as each procedure failed to even allow for soup my expectations were drastically reduced.

Now that I have the knowledge that the restriction is in fact a cancerous growth I am getting ready for the radiation today as a means of at least stopping the constant spitting due to the restriction. Soup is already looking like a far off dream and just as the bull’s territory was diminishing due to forces beyond his control, my wish to eat solid food again has vanished from my horizons.

I had my first radiation treatment this afternoon and I will have a treatment everyday for the next three days and then again on Monday for the last of the five treatments. I have no hope of regaining my ability to swallow whole food but I would be grateful if I could at least swallow my own saliva. My expectations are getting reduced the closer I get to the moment of truth.

THE DEATH WATCH-EIGHT

It’s 3AM on Monday and there seems to be a new development. The jaw and the knees still hurt but the need to spit seems to have diminished. I slept well from 12:00 to 3:00 and I will try to sleep some more but as of this minute I don’t feel sleepy.

It’s 2AM on Tuesday and I can’t seem to get to sleep. I have my first radiation treatment today and I have an appointment with the Oncologist on Thursday. I may just be having an anxiety attack but I really would like to get some sleep. My knees are really hurting now and I have difficulty walking. I am staying away from pain medicines now because I’m afraid it will inhibit my ability to function and I certainly can’t drive under the influence of painkillers. Sue won’t let me go to the Oncologists alone even though I really don’t need help. She feels that I will be keeping things from her about what the doctors have to say. That may very well be true, even though it might be unintentional.

THE DEATH WATCH-SEVEN

I’ve decided to let my hair grow out so maybe I’ll have a Mullet or a Pony Tail when I cash in my chips.

My lower lip went numb, today, which is a new development. My jaw on the left side really hurts if I try to chew but since I don’t eat this is not a very big problem. My knees are very sore too, but only when I walk or go up and down the stairs. The knees might be as a result of spending so much time sitting down with my knees straight. Sitting behind the wheel of the Corvette and driving the standard shift car is very comfortable so the only slow steps are getting in and out of the car.

It’s 2AM and I woke and started to write because I didn’t feel sleepy anymore. I will probably try to sleep some more but I find that I don’t seem to need as much sleep as before. I guess that sitting for such long periods spreads out my rest requirements and I do find that during the day I do tend to doze off.

THE DEATH WATCH-SIX

The spitting seems to be necessary more often and at times the coughing comes in fits and spasms. I feel like there is something growing inside of me trying to choke the life out of me. It’s like the part in “Alien” when the thing explodes out of his chest. Admittedly, it was at this point that I stopped watching the movie. For some lucky reason the spasms seem to stop when I try to sleep and I seem to be getting a good nights sleep sitting in the lounger. I do wake up rather early, around 4AM, at which time I don’t feel the need for more sleep. It might be my bladder that is sending me the wake-up call so I just stay awake and type this for the Blog on the laptop.

My daily routine has a pretty regular schedule now because I have to get my nourishment via the feeding tube. The time line may shift slightly so that I can get our little girl to the school bus on school days. On those days my breakfast doesn’t get started until 7:40AM. Today I will try to shower around 6AM and start my breakfast by 6:30AM since we have a soccer game this morning, Saturday. The feeding time allows me to get through reading the daily newspaper and also do the crossword puzzle.

I’ve ordered a wireless card for the laptop so that with the new wireless modem I have I will be able to get on the Internet directly from the feeding station. There always seem to be items I think of checking while using the laptop that I forget to check when I work at the computer. For example, I wonder if there is a web site or a chat room for people who can’t swallow whole food? I have yet to try to find that.

THE DEATH WATCH-FIVE

I spent the day, yesterday, having the feeling that I was being consumed internally. I feel physically weak as well as mentally weak and although it takes a bit of effort to do something I am reluctant to do it because my mind says, “Why bother?” I start my first radiation treatment next Tuesday so hopefully having someplace to go on a regular basis will help get my “get-up-and-go” into gear and help me through the day.

I keep trying to put future events into my time-line so that I can get a better perspective of what I am looking forward to, which is how I will try to get the doctors to respond.

Will I be around for the World Series?
Will I be here for Thanksgiving?
Will I be able to celebrate my next wedding anniversary?
Will I be able to vote in the next election?
Will I see another birthday?
Will I see a new president inaugurated?
Will I see an end to the war in Iraq?

THE DEATH WATCH-FOUR

It’s Wednesday and I just got back from getting fitted for my Radiation treatments, which consisted of my lying on my back in a form that will be adapted to me so that with the lasers aimed at my tattoos I will be correctly position for the radiation. They will be using the tattoos that they made for my earlier treatments but the target will be set a bit higher since the tumor is in a different location.

Ever since the doctor said that the cancer had spread into the bones I have had pain throughout my body. I suspect that this may be due to the chair sleeping I’ve been doing and the mind set rather than the cancer. I will be getting a better picture of what to expect when I see the doctor next week.

THE DEATH WATCH-THREE

Tuesday is here and I still have not heard from the doctor’s office about an appointment so I guess I’ll work on my “Estate Plan”. There are a few things that I should try to take care of so that my loved ones won’t be burdened. I can’t believe that I have to talk to a lawyer to prevent my wife from having to pay inheritance taxes on my meager retirement funds.

One of the problems I will have to face is the veritable plethora of long faces on people who have learned of my condition from my wife. I tell those I want to tell in the way I want to tell it but invariably I get the “We’re praying for you …” and I lack the nerve to reply honestly.

There is a quote from Shakespeare that I recall from my youth that seems apropos at this time. First I have to tell you the story of my recollection. When I was about ten I was at an all boy’s summer camp in Maine and I was in a play called “The Valiant”. I played a priest in a prison where a prisoner was about to be executed and my roll was to walk ahead of the prisoner while reading from the Bible, on the way to the Electric Chair. My only line in the play was the quote, which until recently, I thought was from the Bible.

"Cowards die many times before their deaths,
The valiant never taste of death but once."

--From Julius Caesar (II, ii, 32-37)

THE DEATH WATCH-TWO

(When I started to write this Blog again I had planned to keep the entries relevant to the dates like a daily diary but unfortunately I got caught by my own lay-off. Apparently the Blog was sold to Google since I stopped making entries and when I wanted to post a new entry I actually started a new Blog. Hopefully, I can get this corrected so that the entries will stay in the same order BUT they won’t be chronologically correct. )

The results of the biopsy, taken on Monday, alerted my Radiation Oncologist who called on Wednesday to set up an appointment with him, preceded by a CAT scan. The following Monday I had the CAT scan and Tuesday morning I saw the doctor. He felt very badly about having to tell me that not only was this cancer located in a new part of my esophagus but that there seemed to be some extra spots on my lungs. The spots were too small to identify clearly and the lung is a very difficult place to biopsy so he suggested I get PET scan, which isolates cancer sites. The bottom line seemed to be that what was happening now was not curable and that we had to work out a treatment procedure. I scheduled a PET scan and also visited with my other Oncologist. He agreed that the PET scan was the first thing to do and then we could discuss options for my treatment. The first order seems to be to try to reduce the size of the constriction with radiation and then see if chemo seems worthwhile doing based on the extent of the cancer spread.

Thursday I had the PET scan and by that afternoon the doctor called to say that the cancer had spread into the bones. As I write this, it is Monday and I am waiting to hear from the doctor’s office about scheduling the radiation treatments after which we will discuss what further treatments are possible. I will probably get a better idea of my Time-Line, although I’m not sure how much of this the doctors can predict.

I plan to tell the doctors that I have only two requests, one that I don’t die on a holiday and two that I don’t die in pain. A question that I will have to ask my lawyer is that if my life insurance policy has a suicide clause, does that apply here in Oregon where doctor assisted suicide is legal. I have yet to discuss the doctor-assisted suicide with my doctors. Working in a Catholic hospital may prevent their participation.

Further thoughts at this time revolve about my loved ones and how they are reacting to the news of my terminal illness. I have not had the experience of trying to ease the impact on them because I only know that for myself I am not concerned. I guess I will be exploring these items in future items I hope to write.

THE DEATH WATCH

I have not written in this Blog since February because I really had nothing much to write about and I had very little incentive to just sit and write nonsense. However, since February I have been fighting with a worsening condition related to my esophagus. I started to have trouble swallowing and I was told that it is a very common occurrence to have scar tissue build up in the location of radiation treated cancer.

In April I had a CAT scan and it was determined that I was Cancer free and that not getting the esophagus surgically removed was not a bad decision.

Since February it has been harder and harder to eat food but I was told that I had very few options short of actually cutting out the entire esophagus and attaching my stomach directly to my throat. I didn’t particularly like that option. Another option was to have a feeding tube re-inserted. I had the feeding tube that I had during Chemo removed when I got my taste buds back. As the condition worsened, however, I was reduced to drinking protein shakes and Ensure. I was losing weight, which was a good thing, but my general health seemed to stay good.

Just prior to going East for my 50th class reunion even the liquid diet was becoming more difficult. The crises hit about a week before we were headed home when I even had trouble swallowing my own saliva. I had been crushing all my pills for high blood pressure, diabetes etc. but that now also became impossible. Obviously I was also not getting enough water into my system so I was getting dehydrated. By the time we got home I was in bad shape and my physical condition was not helped by the delay leaving Boston and the entire airport waiting due to missed flights. By the time we got home I really felt like I needed to be hospitalized. The doctor we called suggested I go to the Emergency Room at the hospital where my Oncologist was located so that’s what we did. My only goal was to get a stomach tube put in and I was prepared for feeding through the tube from now on.

My hospital stay turned out to be a bit longer than I anticipated because my Oncologist wanted to get a complete picture of my condition so before I had the stomach tube inserted my dehydration was stabilized and I met with a GI doctor to see what could be done about the closing of my esophagus. The GI doctor suggested he could insert an endoscope and try to dilate the scar tissue, in ever increasing amounts, so that an opening could be created. In addition, he said that it looked like the constriction was too high up in the esophagus to allow a stent to be inserted. I left the hospital with a stomach tube and a clean bill of health with reference to my blood pressure and my diabetes. I have not taken any of the medication since.

Although I started the endoscope procedures with the GI doctor, I had an underlying belief that the cancer had returned. In the period between June and October I had almost weekly procedures, which only temporarily fixed the problem. After a procedure I could swallow soup for a day or two but just prior to the next procedure I was back to having to spit out my own saliva. It got to be a real drag. My regular GI doctor went on vacation and his stand-in was the one who found the new cancer.

Thus begins The Death Watch.