THE DEATH WATCH-EIGHTEEN

Random Observations-III

I’m tired.

I’m so tired.

This constant spitting is getting very tiresome and I’m getting very tired of losing more of my independence by the minute. I have pain in my jaw and even my teeth are hurting and yet the painkiller is allowing me to move because without it I can hardly walk. I may try to increase the dosage tomorrow but the increase will also decrease my independence.

I’m tired of being an afterthought and I don’t see the near future changing drastically. I guess my only choice is to stay cool and play it one day at a time.

Two close friends died this past year; one was on a cruise ship when he collapsed and died when his internal organs came apart and the other just died watching TV in his house. Neither of them showed any signs of illness. They both died quickly without preamble. I’m concerned that my own situation is going to drag out so far that I may antagonize my so-called loved ones just waiting for the final day. I am trying to stay alert and composed on a daily basis so that I can feel I am still of some use. I don’t want to become a burden that needs to be pampered and looked after over a long time period. My routine is pretty straightforward but I have the feeling that I’m being expected to do less and less as if I were already gone. I can’t let this feeling get to me because I may find myself becoming antagonistic when I should remain cool.

This is starting to look like a tight rope I will have to learn to walk.

It would sure help if the spitting could be stopped. I think I can handle the pain in my bones, legs and jaw if I could eat some soup or have a cup of coffee. The tastes in my mouth are not pleasant and I even tried to swish some sweet coffee and chocolate milk in my mouth, which helped for a little bit. Swallowing even small sips was very difficult but I’ll keep trying.

My handicaps are so subtle that for all intents and purposes I look healthy. My walk is slow and deliberate, my conversations are limited because of the saliva buildup, and my voice is low because of the voice box damage. My eating schedule requires that I spend several hours in the lounge chair both in the mornings and afternoon. My bladder situation requires that I void myself periodically so that I have to plan my trips away from the house carefully. My bowel movements have also been erratic lately so again I have to be careful about where and when and how long I leave the house.

Starting next week I will make an attempt to do a better job in regulating my daily activities so that a more regular routine will boost my feelings about my lifestyle. I am still not sure that the doctors really understand their definition of the quality of life. My biggest hurdle will be the people closest to me and maintaining my cool.
All the above was written late at night and now it is early in the morning and I just read my Horoscope, which says, “Just say no to worries and anxieties. Although you are likely to be pessimistic things are much better than you might think today”.

I am really looking forward to this clinical study because it will give me places to go and things to do that will be a big break from my daily routine. Again, my problem is with the ones who think that I have to be treated with kid gloves. I am not about to keel over if you think I will lose my temper. I am mellower now than I’ve ever been and my blood pressure is so low I am almost comatose. This can’t all be attributed to the drugs. The key for me is just keeping my cool. There is no way to explain ones feelings under these circumstances but I would have expected that adults would have a better understanding. Just treat me as normal not as if there was a death sentence printed on my forehead.

I can feel that my health is going downhill on a daily basis so I am more conscious of the need for the painkillers but I certainly don’t feel any changes occurring in my thought processes so I am sure I can maintain my cool. Thanksgiving is coming up, which will be a test of my public persona.