“The indifference of the dying…”
Ever since I first heard that I had cancer, in March of 2006, my attitude towards the everyday, mundane items of life has been, “I don’t care.” All those things that had some importance in my life, from the type of toothpaste I was using to the decisions of the Attorney General of the United States towards illegal wire tapping of US Citizens, meant something to me. I had an opinion about everything and I cared about all sorts of diverse issues.
Not any more.
I don’t care.
Knowing that one is dying, within a finite time frame, seems to change everything. For one thing, I’m less tempted to buy myself something I’ve always wanted and I try to do things sooner than I expected since I’m not sure I’ll be around to do them.
There also seems to be a need to shed myself of those personal items in my life that I held dear and that I owned as part of my “collection” of things. I am anxious now to rid myself of those items that might be considered the “estate” among the wealthy. I don’t now understand the mindset of holding onto things for when I have the time to enjoy them. I now have the time but I lack any ambition to enjoy them.
On the other hand I have acquired a whole new set of items that concern me and they fall into the category of not leaving my loved ones to deal with the petty shit that I might leave behind. Un-paid bills and financial burdens that were never any body else’s’ responsibility.
This is stuff I do care about.
I have grand children to whom I’d like to impart some “spit-balls-of-wisdom” that I don’t think anyone else is capable of doing. I may have to compact this time-line now in order to fulfill that need.
The things I’m starting to miss already are those things that the nine year old will go through that I won’t be around to see. Graduation from grade school, boys, middle school, high school, learning to drive, utilizing her talents for writing, performing and athletics.
I look back and see places where I failed my own children because I thought I’d be there forever and I thought I could always make it up when the time came. In some cases I didn’t make it up yet and now I’m running out of time. Somewhere along this last time-line I have to care.
My first order of business is to get my little house of cards in-order and then deal with issues as I see them, without expecting to ever see the outcome of my actions.
Not any more.
I don’t care.
Knowing that one is dying, within a finite time frame, seems to change everything. For one thing, I’m less tempted to buy myself something I’ve always wanted and I try to do things sooner than I expected since I’m not sure I’ll be around to do them.
There also seems to be a need to shed myself of those personal items in my life that I held dear and that I owned as part of my “collection” of things. I am anxious now to rid myself of those items that might be considered the “estate” among the wealthy. I don’t now understand the mindset of holding onto things for when I have the time to enjoy them. I now have the time but I lack any ambition to enjoy them.
On the other hand I have acquired a whole new set of items that concern me and they fall into the category of not leaving my loved ones to deal with the petty shit that I might leave behind. Un-paid bills and financial burdens that were never any body else’s’ responsibility.
This is stuff I do care about.
I have grand children to whom I’d like to impart some “spit-balls-of-wisdom” that I don’t think anyone else is capable of doing. I may have to compact this time-line now in order to fulfill that need.
The things I’m starting to miss already are those things that the nine year old will go through that I won’t be around to see. Graduation from grade school, boys, middle school, high school, learning to drive, utilizing her talents for writing, performing and athletics.
I look back and see places where I failed my own children because I thought I’d be there forever and I thought I could always make it up when the time came. In some cases I didn’t make it up yet and now I’m running out of time. Somewhere along this last time-line I have to care.
My first order of business is to get my little house of cards in-order and then deal with issues as I see them, without expecting to ever see the outcome of my actions.
posted by Michael at
10:37:00 AM
2 Comments:
I know that it's true~ throughout life, we get hung up on things that aren't important, while at the same time postponing the ones that really matter~ it must be human nature. Maybe it's because life is just too full and busy when all is going well for us~ from your writings, living with the end in view clearly brings a totally different perspective.
You really should make hard copies of your blog writings for your children and grandkids. From reading, I can actually feel your personality and spirit come to life through your words. You missed your calling in life as a writer (or perhaps you are a writer and I missed that part of the blog). I mean this most respectfully, but I'm just so impressed with your commitment to tackle this last journey head on, like you are~ you are still learning and teaching, even though physically you must be exhausted. Anyways, I send my best wishes for meaningful (and painfree) days ahead, with your family and friends.
Pam Skelding
British Columbia
By
Unknown, at 1:21 AM
Your words of encouragement are really very good for my inner self and I plan to continue writing as things progress. My kids are already readers of the Blog but I'm afraid the grand kids are a bit too small to get the full impact. As the days progress I will share some of these relationships. My main focus is trying to be remembered as the living person I am and was rather than the ailing individual i am today. I hope you keep enjoying my writing and we can then talk about my great experiences in B.C.
By
Michael, at 4:16 AM
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